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Proposal to Change the Physical Education RequirementThe college is considering a proposal from the dean's office that would increase the physical education requirement of the core curriculum from one course to two courses. if approved by a vote of the ad v.1

Proposal to Change the Physical Education RequirementThe college is considering a proposal from the dean's office that would increase the physical education requirement of the core curriculum from one course to two courses. if approved by a vote of the ad v. 1
A number of people deem that entertaining is the sole purpose of music, while it is still believed that there are many further upsides which have been discovered by the ones who listen to it on a regular basis. In my notion, tune is not only a kind of entertainment, but it is also beneficial to human somehow. When people want their mental body to be satisfied, they may start to look for things that could meet their own demands. Today, some sort of entertainment such as albums or songs could be easily found on the internet, which might be explained by the fact that technological developments has made it possible to find it easily, leading to an increasing number of people finding opera for relaxation, which is more than that of those who use other methods. Additionally, we could observe that soul is played with a great frequency in parties or concerts where attracts a large amount of attendees than other different types of events for it boosts their feelings of enjoyment. Therefore, it is widely assumed that melodies are just used for entertaining. On the other hand, some people have been of a different view about the advantages of singing which ranges from individuals to society. Firstly, music could be a useful connector in social bonds that makes your relationship to be ameliorated. For instance, people commonly have a tendency to build a new relationship with those who has shared interest, in this case, you could make new friends or at least have a conversation more easily with the strangers about. Subsequently, to become more affluent and renowned, those who have talent for singing or expertise relevant to melody often works as composers or singers. For example, in the event of making or singing a hit record, the owner of the song will be invited to perform in big events where they could get
A number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
deem that entertaining is the sole purpose of music, while it is
still
believed that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
further
upsides which have
been discovered
by the ones
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
listen to it on a regular basis. In my notion, tune is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a kind of entertainment,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is
also
beneficial to human somehow.

When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want their mental body to
be satisfied
, they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to look for things that could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
demands.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sort of entertainment such as albums or songs could be
easily
found on the internet, which might be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
by the fact that technological developments has made it possible to find it
easily
, leading to an increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
finding opera for relaxation, which is more than that of those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
other methods.
Additionally
, we could observe that soul
is played
with a great frequency in parties or concerts where attracts a large amount of attendees than other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
for it boosts their feelings of enjoyment.
Therefore
, it is
widely
assumed that melodies are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for entertaining.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have been of a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
view about the advantages of singing which ranges from individuals to society.
Firstly
, music could be a useful connector in social bonds that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
your relationship to
be ameliorated
.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
commonly
have a tendency to build a new relationship with those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
has shared interest,
in this case
, you could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
new friends or at least have a conversation more
easily
with the strangers about.
Subsequently
, to become more affluent and renowned, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have talent for singing or expertise relevant to melody
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
works as composers or singers.
For example
, in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
of making or singing a hit record, the owner of the song will
be invited
to perform in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
where they could
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
get
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Proposal to Change the Physical Education RequirementThe college is considering a proposal from the dean's office that would increase the physical education requirement of the core curriculum from one course to two courses. if approved by a vote of the ad v. 1

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
315 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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