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People’s lives are now surrounded by advertisement. This affects what people consider important and has a negative impact on people’s lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

People’s lives are now surrounded by advertisement. This affects what people consider important and has a negative impact on people’s lives. v. 1
Nowadays, many people claim that advertisement impacts many aspects in our lives; however, it also has detrimental effects. In my opinion, I completely agree with this view, which will be discussed in this essay. Firstly, companies aim to promote the consumption of their products by advertising. To do this, they tend to emphasize on values such as success, status, happiness and wealth and link these values with material possessions. Therefore, customers may aquate the pursuit of happiness with possessing material wealth; in spite of expending a large amount of money. People may become shoppaholics and this may cause debts or even bankruptcy. Moreover, materialism makes people put priority on material pursuits, leading an unhappy and unfulfilled life. Secondly, women are also the victim of advertisements. To clarify, many commercials usually distort by perfect images of women’s skin or body portrayed to change women’s view of beauty perception; as result, women will seek out that product to help them prettier and feel more confident. However, many bleaching or whitening products containing toxic substances may cause many skin diseases. Last but not least, advertisement creates artificial needs and unnecessary purchases. For example, new phone models are released periodically to appeal to those who want to show off their status and wealth. Meanwhile, the functions of new phones are no different to the older versions. In conclusion, I believe that advertisement impacts on some materialistic aspects of our lives and it may cause adverse impacts on people.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
impacts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
aspects in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
;
however
, it
also
has detrimental effects. In my opinion, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view, which will
be discussed
in this essay.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
aim to promote the consumption of their products by advertising. To do this, they tend to emphasize on values such as success, status, happiness and wealth and link these values with material possessions.
Therefore
, customers may
Possible spelling mistake found.
aquate
the pursuit of happiness with possessing material wealth;
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
expending a large amount of money.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
may become
Possible spelling mistake found.
shoppaholics
and this may cause debts or even bankruptcy.
Moreover
, materialism
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
put priority on material pursuits, leading an unhappy and unfulfilled life.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
also
the victim of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
. To clarify,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
commercials
usually
distort by perfect images of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women’s
skin or body portrayed to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women’s
view of beauty perception; as result,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
will seek out that product to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them prettier and feel more confident.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
bleaching or whitening products containing toxic substances may cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
skin diseases. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
creates artificial needs and unnecessary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchases
.
For example
, new phone models
are released
periodically
to appeal to those who want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
off their status and wealth. Meanwhile, the functions of new phones are no
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
to the older versions.

In conclusion
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
impacts on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
materialistic aspects of our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and it may cause adverse impacts on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay People’s lives are now surrounded by advertisement. This affects what people consider important and has a negative impact on people’s lives. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
244 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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