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People work hard to buy more things in life. This has made our life more comfortable but it is pity that many traditional values have been lost on the way to such materialism. v.1

People work hard to buy more things in life. This has made our life more comfortable but it is pity that many traditional values have been lost on the way to such materialism. v. 1
In Today's world status of a person is judged by the car he drives, the branded clothes he wears, branded phone he owns, the posh place he stays in and so on. It has become an endless battle which never going to stop because there is no end to it. In order to appear cooler in front of other people and to achieve more and more comfort people have become more and more materialistic and money minded. They have lost their traditional values with this mind shift. It has gone so deep into the value system of present generation that it has become very difficult to understand the value of people and relationships. The desire to rise in their career which is considered good have bound people to leave their cities, even their countries to move and settle in different developed cities and countries. People sometimes leave their families, values and beliefs. They do that so that they can enjoy the comfortable lifestyle and afford homes in posh cities, buy luxurious brands. This is good as long as they lead a balanced life and don't let materialism corrupt their mindset. However, it has been seen that people who get used to the luxurious lifestyle may often leave their families, especially their old parents alone who took care of them during childhood. For them, a relationship doesn't hold much importance but money and materialism do. They get fascinated and value people who are leading the lifestyle they admire rather than respecting and loving their loved ones. This not only shows people in the modern world have become self-centered and selfish but also show how hollow can one person’s thought process be. They never realise even after spending lots and lots of money in the rat race of comfort and materialism they are still unhappy and lonely from deep inside. Even worse, in some cases, they have lost the love of their loved ones whom they left alone. I believe people need to be ambitious but they should not forget to remain grounded. Because if you are grounded you can still enjoy the comfortable life you always wanted to lead but you end up valuing the relationship and traditional values more than materialism which has not substance/life.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
's world status of a person
is judged
by the car he drives, the branded clothes he wears, branded phone he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owns
, the posh place he stays in and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. It has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
an endless battle which never going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there is no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
to it.

In order to appear cooler in front of other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and to achieve more and more comfort
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
more and more materialistic and money minded. They have lost their traditional values with this mind shift. It has gone
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
deep into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
value
system of present generation that it has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult to understand the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
value
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and relationships.

The desire to rise in their career which
is considered
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
have bound
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their cities, even their countries to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
and settle in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
developed cities and countries.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their families, values and beliefs. They do that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can enjoy the comfortable lifestyle and afford homes in posh cities,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
luxurious brands. This is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
as long as they lead a balanced life and don't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
materialism corrupt their mindset.
However
, it has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to the luxurious lifestyle may
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their families,
especially
their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
parents alone who took care of them during childhood. For them, a relationship doesn't hold much importance
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
money and materialism do. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
fascinated and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
value
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are leading the lifestyle they admire
rather
than respecting and loving their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones.

This not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the modern world have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
self-centered and selfish
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
how hollow can one person’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
process be. They never
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
even after spending lots and lots of money in the rat race of comfort and materialism they are
still
unhappy and lonely from deep inside. Even worse, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases, they have lost the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones whom they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
alone.

I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to be ambitious
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they should not forget to remain grounded.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
if you
are grounded
you can
still
enjoy the comfortable life you always wanted to lead
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up valuing the relationship and traditional values more than materialism which has not substance/life.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay People work hard to buy more things in life. This has made our life more comfortable but it is pity that many traditional values have been lost on the way to such materialism. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
375 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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