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People nowadays work hard to buy more things. This has made our life generally more comfortable but it is a pity many traditional values have been lost on the way to such materialism. To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement? v.2

In the modern era, everybody wants to become a rich person and they work hard to achieve various amenities in order to make life comfortable. However, it is believed that old values have been disappeared due to materialism. In my opinion, the modern way to earn name and fame is a big caused to lost traditional values. However, this does not apply to every individual because some of them still attain their ethical values and working hard in this world. First of all, hard competition between people makes them materialist because everybody wants to do the same thing as their competitors. For example, One’s buy a specious house by his or her hard work, other people want to challenge them and buy an expensive home and vehicle. Therefore, when a person attracts by materialism, he or she tries to possess it by hook or by crook and does not hesitate to follow the unethical modes for it. On the other hand, this case is not for all the people who work hard to fulfil their daily needs. Majority of individuals balance their life between ethical values and materialism. Such as, there are various traditional singers or actors who get fame by their hard work in previous years. Nowadays, they are still working to make their life easy. However, they are still attached to their cultural roots. Hence, they have created their own way of upbringing the ancestral values as well as responding to the need of the materialistic world. In conclusion, work hard is important in order to achieve daily needs and survive in this world. However, some people forget their traditional values and become materialistic when they get comfortable life with all amenities.
In the modern era, everybody wants to become a rich
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
person and
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
to achieve various amenities in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
comfortable.
However
, it
is believed
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
values have
been disappeared
due to materialism. In my opinion, the modern way to earn name and fame is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
caused to lost traditional values.
However
, this does not apply to every individual
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them
still
attain their ethical values and working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
in this world.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
competition between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
makes
them materialist
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
everybody wants to do the same thing as their competitors.
For example
, One’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a specious
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want to challenge them and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
an expensive home and vehicle.
Therefore
, when a person attracts by materialism, he or she tries to possess it by hook or by crook and does not hesitate to follow the unethical modes for it.

On the other hand
, this case is not for all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
to fulfil their daily needs. Majority of individuals balance their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
between ethical values and materialism. Such as, there are various traditional singers or actors who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
fame by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in previous years. Nowadays, they are
still
working to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
easy.
However
, they are
still
attached to their cultural roots.
Hence
, they have created their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
way of upbringing the ancestral values
as well
as responding to the need of the materialistic world.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in order to achieve daily needs and survive in this world.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
forget their traditional values and become materialistic when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
comfortable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
with all amenities.
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Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay People nowadays work hard to buy more things. This has made our life generally more comfortable but it is a pity many traditional values have been lost on the way to such materialism. with the statement?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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