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Can computerised data collection on individuals be justified even though it endangers the rights of individuals? v.1

Can computerised data collection on individuals be justified even though it endangers the rights of individuals? v. 1
It is true that by the development of technology, preservation of citizens’ information has thoroughly changed. While organisations had to spend tremendous money to gather and save data, now accessing such volume of mass information has become far easier. I personally think that despite having some serious consequences of this method, the benefits surpass their drawbacks. To begin with, several disadvantages have caused people’s information to be at more risk. One important disadvantage is that their privacy can be more exposed to hackers. For instance, recently Ashly Maddison website, a popular dating web with over 33 million users, was hacked and loosed its users’ vital information in few seconds. Had not computer been introduced, such accidents could have been avoided. Another negative impact is that they might be misused. Instead of appropriate using of these data, some companies or governmental sectors use them to raise their benefits. In particular, CIA, the US intelligent system, uses the social network, including personal images or profiles, to operate against them. From my opinion, modernisation has assisted many officials to find people’s information far simpler than in the past. One important advantage is that they can save more money. Obviously, to access citizens’ past history, they had to hire a large number of employees which led them to consume huge budget. As a prime example, to register birth information, the related organisation had to keep people’s files on large spaces, and thousands of personnel were needed to be hired to be able to find persons’ files. However, now in few seconds, the necessary statistics can be found and few employees are needed to be employed and paid than before. Another positive impact is that more secure computerised systems can protect these kinds of important information. Using antivirus or firewalls has levelled security of data, whereas in the past, accessing the papers was far more straightforward. In conclusion, although digital preservation of individuals’ statics might have some negative consequences, its positive influences should not be forgotten. From my perspective, this technique has led we are able to save time and have a far more secure method for protection of citizens’ data.
It is true that by the development of technology, preservation of citizens’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
has
thoroughly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
. While
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
had to spend tremendous money to gather and save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
accessing such volume of mass
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
has become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
far
easier. I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that despite having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
serious consequences of this method, the benefits surpass their drawbacks.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, several disadvantages have caused
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
to be at more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
. One
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
disadvantage is that their privacy can be more exposed to hackers.
For instance
, recently
Possible spelling mistake found.
Ashly
Possible spelling mistake found.
Maddison
website, a popular dating web with over 33 million users,
was hacked
and loosed its users’ vital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
in few seconds. Had not computer
been introduced
, such accidents could have
been avoided
. Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact is that they might
be misused
.
Instead
of appropriate using of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
or governmental sectors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them to raise their benefits.
In particular
, CIA, the US intelligent system,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
the social network, including personal images or profiles, to operate against them.

From my opinion,
Possible spelling mistake. 'modernisation' is British English.
modernisation
has assisted
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
officials to find
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
far
simpler than in the past. One
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
advantage is that they can save more money.
Obviously
, to access citizens’ past history, they had to hire
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
employees which led them to consume huge budget. As a prime example, to register birth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
, the related
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
had to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s files on large spaces, and thousands of personnel
were needed
to
be hired
to be able to find persons’ files.
However
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
in few seconds, the necessary statistics can
be found
and few employees
are needed
to
be employed
and paid than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact is that more secure
Possible spelling mistake. 'computerised' is British English.
computerised
systems can protect these kinds of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
. Using antivirus or firewalls has levelled security of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
, whereas in the past, accessing the papers was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
far
more straightforward.

In conclusion
, although digital preservation of individuals’ statics might have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences, its
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
influences should not
be forgotten
. From my perspective, this technique has led we are able to save time and have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
far
more secure method for protection of citizens’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Can computerised data collection on individuals be justified even though it endangers the rights of individuals? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
356 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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