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People usually mix their private and professional life. What are the pros and cons of this? v.1

People usually mix their private and professional life. What are the pros and cons of this? v. 1
In the modern world, companies provide extraordinary work culture so as the employees could take advantage of working more hours and hence more money. This can help the employee to get a professional ethics, and good mental health. Whereas it can affect the relationship with own family, as they cannot keep a proper balance. Here I am discussing the reasons of one's private and professional life should not be mixed. Firstly, working for a professional company can give a good discipline in one's lifestyle. This is because the company requires to concentrate on the job since it always has a deadline linked to business revenue. This creates a habit of finishing tasks on time. This in turn can be good for his or her personality. Also, it provides a good mental health by solving tasks, and hence the brain will be more active. It can make him more productive. However, a professional work which oriented only towards a business goal can affect one's relationship with his family. This is because many people are unable to complete their assignments at the office on time, and hence they are forced to extend his or her office hours. This reduces their time with family. Not only it affects the relationship, but also personal well being. This will make him more workaholic and can adversely affect. To conclude, disadvantage outweighs advantages when private and professional living is mixed. It is proved that professional ethics give a person good discipline as well as mental health. Where as it affects his private life and possibility of becoming a workaholic.
In the modern world,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
provide extraordinary work culture
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
as the employees could take advantage of working more hours and
hence
more money. This can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the employee to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
ethics, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
mental health. Whereas it can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affect
the relationship with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
family, as they cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
a proper balance. Here I am discussing the reasons of one's private and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
life should not
be mixed
.

Firstly
, working for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
can give a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
discipline in one's lifestyle. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
requires
Did you mean "concentrating"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'require' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to concentrate
on the job since it always has a deadline linked to business revenue. This creates a habit of finishing tasks on time.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
This
in turn can be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
personality.
Also
, it provides a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
mental health by solving tasks, and
hence
the brain will be more active. It can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
him more productive.

However
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
work which oriented
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
towards a business goal can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affect
one's relationship with his family. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are unable to complete their assignments at the office on time, and
hence
they
are forced
to extend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
office hours. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
their time with family. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affects
the relationship,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
personal
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well being
. This will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
him more workaholic and can
adversely
affect.

To conclude
, disadvantage outweighs advantages when private and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
living
is mixed
. It
is proved
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
ethics give a person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
discipline
as well
as mental health.
Did you mean "Whereas"?
Where as
it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affects
his private life and possibility of becoming a workaholic.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay People usually mix their private and professional life. What are the pros and cons of this? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
263 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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