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People today spend too much time to pay attention to the personal lives of celebrities such as entertainers or famous people v.2

People today spend too much time to pay attention to the personal lives of celebrities such as entertainers or famous people v. 2
Many people these days spend too much time to pay attention to the personal lives of celebrities such as entertainers of famous people. There are some reasons why I agree with this statement. The quantity of time to spend to pay attention to the personal lives of celebrities increases recently. Developed technology such as fast and handful internet and smartphone changes our of daily life. And it makes us always see what celebrities do through our smartphone easily. Besides, the paths that we can show ourselves are larger and easier. Easier we can reveal our daily life, more we show ourselves and it brings our acquirement to show ourselves better. We start to pay attention to how we ourselves are shown to others, as well as how others are shown. Celebrities are one of the groups that we pay attention a lot. Second, common sense says that there are a lot of people who addict using smartphone in our daily life. Smartphone has a big addition, so it is hard to keep ourselves from using it a lot. We can see the people who try to do not use a smartphone a lot. In my case, I always regret using smartphone without taking a rest better. Most of things that I do with smartphone are seeing SNS of celebrities. The problem of addiction to a smartphone is already serious to our society. That is why I think people today spend “too much” time to pay attention to the personal lives of celebrities. Considering the quantity of time to spend to pay attention to the celebrities and seriousness of the problem of addition to a smartphone, we can say that these days many people spend a lot of time to pay attention to the personal lives of celebrities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
these days
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attention
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
such as entertainers of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement.

The quantity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attention
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
increases recently. Developed technology such as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
and handful internet and smartphone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
our of daily life. And it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
us always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
do through our smartphone
easily
.
Besides
, the paths that we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ourselves
are larger and easier. Easier we can reveal our daily life, more we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ourselves
and it brings our acquirement to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ourselves
better. We
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attention
to how we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ourselves
are shown
to others,
as well
as how others
are shown
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Celebrities
are one of the groups that we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attention
a lot.

Second, common sense says that there are a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who addict using smartphone in our daily life. Smartphone has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
addition,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ourselves
from using it a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
. We can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who try to do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
a smartphone a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
. In my case, I always regret using smartphone without taking a rest better.
After 'Most of', you should use 'the' ("Most of the things") or simply say "Most things".
Most of things
that I do with smartphone are seeing SNS of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
. The problem of addiction to a smartphone is already serious to our society.
That is
why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
“too much”
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attention
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
of celebrities.

Considering the quantity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attention
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
and seriousness of the problem of addition to a smartphone, we can say that these days
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attention
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
54Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay People today spend too much time to pay attention to the personal lives of celebrities such as entertainers or famous people v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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