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Educational institutions should teach students about specific careers and jobs instead of general knowledge and subjects v.2

Educational institutions should teach students about specific careers and jobs instead of general knowledge and subjects v. 2
Some people would say that educational institutions should teach students about general knowledge and subjects. It’s original purpose of school and if school doesn’t do this role, there is no place to give academic knowledge. However, the world is changing and school should change either. Many people are focusing on more practical information such as careers and jobs, but school remains in the past and children cannot get satisfaction with school as much as we did. What should we do? Educational institutions should be a place for students to learn specific careers and jobs. First of all, career education has become more important these days. The subject we’ve taught has been considered as something not effective. Many people need more practical and productive information in school. Furthermore, we’ve started to find our happiness in work life. Job is not a mean to just earn money anymore. Thus, people have had attention to their career and job. Educational institutions are good place to give children a chance to search and find their career and job. They have elaborate system and capacity to run programs for children’s careers and jobs. Of course, school should change, following the demand of society. School is a place to raise our future generation. We need to provide our children with more beneficial education to survive in the future. Second, it can make schools more interesting places. These days, students might not consider a school fun. Decreasing interest in school can be followed by insufficient participating with school life for students. However, career education can make school more fun place and make students be interested in the subjects in school. It can motivate children to study either. For example, my cousin is first grade in middle school. He didn’t like to go to school because he was not interested in the subjects in school. But after he participated to the career program in school, he can decide to this future job and he started to find how he should do to realize his future job. He is more interested to subjects in school than before because he realized the reason he should study.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would say that educational institutions should teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
about general knowledge and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
Did you mean "its original purpose"?
It’s original purpose
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
doesn’t do this role, there is no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
to give academic knowledge.
However
, the world is changing and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
either.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are focusing on more practical information such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
remains in the past and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
satisfaction with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
as much as we did. What should we do? Educational institutions should be a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to learn specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
and jobs.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
education has become more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
these days. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
we’ve taught has
been considered
as something not effective.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need more practical and productive information in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
Furthermore
, we’ve
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to find our happiness in work life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Job
is not a mean to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
earn money anymore.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have had attention to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. Educational institutions are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
to give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
a chance to search and find their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. They have elaborate system and capacity to run programs for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
Of course
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
, following the demand of society.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
to raise our future generation. We need to provide our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with more beneficial education to survive in the future.

Second, it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
more interesting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
. These days,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
might not consider a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
fun. Decreasing interest in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
can
be followed
by insufficient participating with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
life for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
education can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
more fun
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
be interested
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. It can motivate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to study either.
For example
, my cousin is
first
grade in middle
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. He didn’t like to go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he was not interested in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
after he
The usual preposition for "participated" is "in" not "to". Revise: "participated in".
participated to
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
program in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, he can decide to this future
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
job and
he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to find how he should do to realize his future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. He is more interested to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he realized the reason he should study.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
59Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Educational institutions should teach students about specific careers and jobs instead of general knowledge and subjects v. 2

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
356 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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