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People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment doing things they like to do rather than doing things they should do v.2

People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment doing things they like to do rather than doing things they should do v. 2
People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment-doing things they like to do-rather than doing things they should do. There is great debate about individuals spend time on personal delight instead of things they should do. Despite the fact, there are differing opinions. Some people think that doing personal enjoyment can help to improve the efficiency of their work. Other people, however, argue that it is beneficial in many ways for people to not expect doing things they like because it is not possible. I, myself, agree with the first argue. In this essay, I will address three potential benefit of doing personal enjoyment. First of all, when a person does things, she or he delight to do it, as a result, the performance will be higher and the output will be much effective. For example, my friends like to do music very much, but his parents forced him to do professional sports. Although he is doing what they wanted but he is not happy and doesn’t care that much about performance. May be, If they let him to work on music, he would get more successful. second, continuously individuals spend more vitality and time for things they like to do instead of things they don’t like. as a result, individuals are would appreciate their time whereas they are doing things they like. For occasion, one of my friends always in office attempt to finish their errands which doesn’t like and begin n what she inclines toward to do. To sum up, I believe doing what you pleased to do is much effective and more beneficial. This is why always we should do what we like to do. in differentiate, doing things with you appreciate would bring up your vitality, and unquestionably, he or she would spend more time to do it which is positive see. Hence, this see is much superior.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
enjoyment-doing things they like to do-
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
things they should do.

There is great debate about individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
delight
instead
of things they should do. Despite the fact, there are differing opinions.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
enjoyment can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the efficiency of their work. Other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
however
, argue that it is beneficial in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
things they like
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is not possible. I, myself,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
first
argue. In this essay, I will address three potential benefit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
enjoyment.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, when a person does things, she or he
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "delights", "delighted".
delight
to do it,
as a result
, the performance will be higher and the output will be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
effective.
For example
, my friends like to do music
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
his parents forced him to do professional sports. Although he is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
what they wanted
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
he is not happy and doesn’t care that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
about performance. May be, If they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
him to work on music, he would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more successful.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
second
,
continuously
individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more vitality and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for things they like to do
instead
of things they don’t like.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
as
a result, individuals are would appreciate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
whereas they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
things they like. For occasion, one of my friends always in office attempt to finish their errands which doesn’t like and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
n what she inclines toward to do.

To sum up, I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
what you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
pleased
to do is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
effective and more beneficial. This is why always we should do what we like to do. in differentiate,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
things with you appreciate would bring up your vitality, and
unquestionably
, he or she would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to do it which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
.
Hence
, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
superior.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment doing things they like to do rather than doing things they should do v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
313 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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