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If a university wants to attract students it must spend a lot of money on social activities for students v.2

If a university wants to attract students it must spend a lot of money on social activities for students v. 2
In modern society, university has developed different features, including researcher, internship, and education. People have a lot of options, and it is a good situation that increases competition for students. However, I disagree with that university spend a lot of money on social activities can attract students. To begin with, good students focus on education, and social activities can' t improve education. To be more specific, knowledge can increase the competitive ability of the student. For example, my friend William, who was a Taipei university student, the education ranking of the university is very famous, which many companies like to hire an employee from this university. Taipei university has a high quality of education for the student, and it provides many learning resources such as E-learning, teaching assistant, high-level class, and so on. It will make ensure that each student can get good education experience. When William graduate from Taipei university, he got an excellent job in the Google company. Secondly, good students care about the future, and the experience of an internship is important for students. In other words, if the university provides a particular internship than other universities, it will attract more students to apply and register the department. For instance, union university designs a unique program with an internship choice in Intel corporation, and it helps students to get more experience or competitiveness in the future because Intel is a famous company. As a result, union university has a lot of students to apply to this department. Admittedly, some people might claim that social activity can relieve stress and increase students to choose the university. Nevertheless, students can not only participate in the social event but also asking parents to relieve stress or have physical education classes in their daily routine. Therefore, the university can maintain a good environment for good students. In conclusion, if the university wants to attract more students, they need to emphasize the student' s education and internship opportunity at university, which good students always care about. Thus, the factor of attracting students have a different aspect.
In modern society,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
has developed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
features, including researcher, internship, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
options, and it is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
situation that increases competition for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
However
, I disagree with that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
activities can attract students.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
focus on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
activities
Possible spelling mistake found.
can&
#039; t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. To be more specific, knowledge can increase the competitive ability of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
.
For example
, my friend William, who was a Taipei
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
ranking of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
, which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
like to hire an employee from this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
. Taipei
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
has a high quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
, and it provides
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
learning resources such as E-learning, teaching assistant, high-level
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. It will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
ensure that each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
experience. When William graduate from Taipei
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
, he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
an excellent job in the Google
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
care about the future, and the experience of an internship is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
In other words
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
provides a particular internship than other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
, it will attract more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to apply and register the department.
For instance
, union
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
designs a unique program with an internship choice in Intel corporation, and it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more experience or competitiveness in the future
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
Intel is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
As a result
, union
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to apply to this department.

Admittedly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
might claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
activity can relieve
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and increase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to choose the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
.
Nevertheless
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
participate in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
asking parents to relieve
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
or have physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
classes in their daily routine.
Therefore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
can maintain a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
environment for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
students.

In conclusion
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
wants to attract more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, they need to emphasize the
Possible spelling mistake found.
student&
#039; s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and internship opportunity at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
always care about.
Thus
, the factor of attracting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
aspect.
18Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
51Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay If a university wants to attract students it must spend a lot of money on social activities for students v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
344 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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