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People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment-doing things like to do- rather than doing things they should do. v.2

People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment-doing things like to do- rather than doing things they should do. v. 2
Nowadays most of the people working and doing things they should do. People are spending in busy life style. Personally, I believe that people today have to spend much time on personal enjoyment rather than doing things they should do. I feel this way for two main reasons, which I will explore in the following essay. First of all, people should give important place to personal enjoyment. Normally, people do their work nicely and take responsibilities in the working place. But most of the people won’t enjoy their life. They just collecting money and the power. That’s why most people in the under pressure and they get depression. Nowadays people need personal enjoyment doing things like to do. My own experience is a compelling example of this. I am manager in the bank. I have big work load and many responsibilities. So, I am in very pressure environment. Therefore, every end of the moth week end I am going trip with my family or friends. It is very help me to make me relax person. Secondly, most of the people won’t take responsibilities in their personal life. They done there job always. But they won’t enjoy with their families. Actually, family and happy should be first than working. We should work for live but not for collecting money as greedy. For instance, If some person every weekend go and see their old parents and spend the day with them, they all get enjoy. Also, the person who go, he done their responsibility with the enjoyment. In conclusion, I strongly believe that we have to spend more time on personal enjoyment rather than doing work should do. This is because personal enjoyment gives relax and enjoy to yourself. It is most important benefit in our life.
Nowadays most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
working and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
things they should do.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are spending in busy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
style.
Personally
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend much time on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoyment
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
things they should do. I feel this way for two main reasons, which I will explore in the following essay.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
place to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoyment
.
Normally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
nicely
and take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibilities
in the working place.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
won’t
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoy
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
collecting money and the power. That’s why most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the under
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
pressure and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
depression. Nowadays
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people
need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoyment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
things like to do. My
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
experience is a compelling example of this. I am manager in the bank. I have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
load and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibilities
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I am in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
pressure environment.
Therefore
, every
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the moth week
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
I am going trip with my family or friends. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
me to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
me relax person.

Secondly
, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
won’t take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibilities
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. They
Possible grammatical error. You used a past participle without using any required verb ('be' or 'have'). Did you mean "did"?
done
there job always.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
they won’t
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoy
with their families. Actually, family and happy should be
Use "(first)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
first
than working. We should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not for collecting money as greedy.
For instance
, If
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
person every weekend go and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
parents and spend the day with them, they all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoy
.
Also
, the person who go, he
Possible grammatical error. You used a past participle without using any required verb ('be' or 'have'). Did you mean "did"?
done
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibility
with the enjoyment.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
believe that we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend more time on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoyment
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
should do. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoyment
gives relax and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoy
to yourself. It is
Did you mean "the most"?
most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
benefit in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
40Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment-doing things like to do- rather than doing things they should do. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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