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People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment doing thing they like to do rather than doing things they should do v.1

People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment doing thing they like to do rather than doing things they should do v. 1
Despite the progress seen in agriculture, a lot of individuals still starve and the reason for the problem is increasing population. In order for this to be effectively resolved, the government should enforce family planning for all citizens in a state. This essay will expatiate on these, and illustrate with relevant examples To begin with, so many people still find it difficult to eat the required meal for a day, and the major reason for this over population. Even in developed countries where they indulge in mechanized farming and mono cropping, many still lack food owing to the reason that the population is continuously increasing and is beyond what the state can handle or control. For example, in Nigeria, the population growth rate has sharply increased within the last five years, rising by 10% every day. This means that when the population is large and growing, there will be scarcity of a lot of items with food included. However, the government has to put in place measures in order address this problem of starvation. One significant way of reducing this is enforcing family planning on all residents and citizens of a state. This will help to reduce the number of babies born and subsequently lower birth rate. Another approach to this problem, is to establish strict immigration policies so that illegal immigrants cannot get access to a particular country. Doing this will ensure that the population growth rate is checked and controlled, thus resulting in less scarcity of food items for consumption. For example, in the US, the government is proposing to construct a huge wall which will prevent illegal immigrants from neighbouring countries from entering the country. This measure will also aid in decreasing population size, which will in turn reduce hunger. In conclusion, even with the advancement of agriculture, people are still lacking food because of over population. In order to solve this, government should compel citizens to carry out family planning and promulgate stringent immigration laws.
Despite the progress
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in agriculture,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
individuals
still
starve and the reason for the problem is increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
. In order for this to be
effectively
resolved, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should enforce family planning for all citizens in a state. This essay will expatiate on these, and illustrate with relevant
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
examples


To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
still
find it difficult to eat the required meal for a day, and the major reason for this over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
. Even in developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
where they indulge in mechanized farming and mono cropping,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
still
lack
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
owing to the reason that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
is
continuously
increasing and is beyond what the state can handle or control.
For example
, in Nigeria, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
growth rate has
sharply
increased within the last five years, rising by 10% every day. This means that when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
is large and growing, there will be scarcity of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
items with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
included.

However
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
put in place measures in order address this problem of starvation. One significant way of reducing this is enforcing family planning on all residents and citizens of a state. This will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the number of babies born and
subsequently
lower birth rate. Another approach to this problem, is to establish strict immigration policies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that illegal immigrants cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
access to a particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. Doing this will ensure that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
growth rate is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
checked
and controlled,
thus
resulting in less scarcity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
items for consumption.
For example
, in the US, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is proposing to construct a huge wall which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
illegal immigrants from
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbouring' is British English.
neighbouring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
from entering the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. This measure will
also
aid in decreasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
size, which will in turn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
hunger.

In conclusion
, even with the advancement of agriculture,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
still
lacking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
. In order to solve this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should compel citizens to carry out family planning and promulgate stringent immigration laws.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment doing thing they like to do rather than doing things they should do v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
329 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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