Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment doing thing they like to do rather than doing things they should do v.2

People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment doing thing they like to do rather than doing things they should do v. 2
Views differ when it comes to activities of people they should do. Plenty number of people are inclined toward the idea that people allocate most of their time on personal enjoyment. However, others may take an opposite viewpoint and believe that people prefer to do things they should do. In my perspective, people spend too much time on doing things they should do rather than personal enjoyment. I will pinpoint the most outstanding reason in the following paragraphs. The first reason worth mentioning is that nowadays great number of people have hectic life since they have personal and financial problem. Because of that they have to allocate most of their time on their career which enable them to provide convinience facilities for their family member and make their life easier. Therefore, instead of doing what they enjoy, they do things they should. For example, my cousin and me hanging out all of our time together. We talked about our dreams, secrets and goals in our lifes and we enjoyed it so much. But after he got married, he find out he has other responsibliy too, so instead of doing what he likes, he perfors the activities he should do. The further subtle point is that many students try to make a bright future for themselves by studying hard which is not something that they enjoy it. With the development of the technology, finding a excellent career is become difficult for many students. Hence, instead of going out with their friend, attend in parties and travel, they concentrate their time and energy on study which enhance their knowledge and improve their chance in the future to find a suitable job. For instance, one of my friend in university never go out with us to have fun. He always study more harder than any of us which make us mock him. After few years, since he has better experience and knowledge than us he got accepted in one of the best company in our city with high salary. Therefore, he progress better than all of us by doing things he should do in that time period. To make a long story short, based on the aforementioned arguments, it is extremely beneficials for people to do what they should do in any specific time since not only many people need to increase their wage for their finacnial problem but also they can have a better future.
Views differ when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to activities of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
they should do.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Plenty
number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are inclined
toward the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
allocate most of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on personal enjoyment.
However
, others may take an opposite viewpoint and believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to do things they should do. In my perspective,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
things they should do
rather
than personal enjoyment. I will pinpoint the most outstanding reason in the following paragraphs.

The
first
reason worth mentioning is that nowadays great number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have hectic life since they have personal and financial problem.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
allocate most of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on their career which enable them to provide
Possible spelling mistake found.
convinience
facilities for their family member and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their life easier.
Therefore
,
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
what they enjoy, they do things they should.
For example
, my cousin and me hanging out all of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
together. We talked about our dreams, secrets and goals in our
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
lifes and
we enjoyed it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
after he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
married, he
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "finds", "found".
find
out he has other
Possible spelling mistake found.
responsibliy
too,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
what he likes, he
Possible spelling mistake found.
perfors
the activities he should do.

The
further
subtle point is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
students try to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a bright future for themselves by studying
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
which is not something that they enjoy it. With the development of the technology, finding
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
excellent career
is become
difficult for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
students.
Hence
,
instead
of going out with their friend, attend in parties and travel, they concentrate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and energy on study which enhance their knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their chance in the future to find a suitable job.
For instance
, one of my friend in university never go out with us to have fun. He always
The pronoun 'He' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "studies", "studied".
study
Use only "harder" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more harder
than any of us which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
us mock him. After few years, since he has better experience and knowledge than us he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
in one of the best
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
in our city with high salary.
Therefore
, he
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "progresses", "progressed".
progress
better than all of us by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
things he should do in that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
period.

To
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a long story short, based on the aforementioned arguments, it is
extremely
Possible spelling mistake found.
beneficials
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to do what they should do in any specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
since not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to increase their wage for their
Possible spelling mistake found.
finacnial
problem
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
they can have a better future.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
11Mistakes

IELTS essay People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment doing thing they like to do rather than doing things they should do v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
403 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts