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people think that young people today are too materialistic or money oriented; or do not care about being charitable or giving some money v.1

people think that young people today are too materialistic or money oriented; or do not care about being charitable or giving some money v. 1
Whether promotions should be given to employees from within or to workers outside the companies remains a controversial issue. Some people claim that recruiting new faces does the enterprises a world of good, while others adopt an opposing view that in-house hiring should be on high agenda. In my opinion, both sources of hiring have its own merits, and hiring decisions should be made in the best interest of the company. On the one hand, it goes without saying that headhunting outsiders for important positions endows the enterprises a package of benefits. First and foremost, it may reduce the risk of age discrimination in the workplace. To be more specific, the established policy of hiring from within, which is based on the time commitment to the boards, opens the door for seniors to get promotion but simultaneously depresses the chance of juniors to move up the career ladder. Consequently, outside hiring, which lies in the work performance and productivity, would minimise the risk of either inequality of opportunity or top-heavy staff structure. Furthermore, hiring newly-qualified employers gives a helping hand in strengthening the business, because once outsiders join the staff, they would pass on tricks of the trade and first hand experience they have accumulated while working outside the company borders. On the other hand, it is a foregone conclusion that hiring from within does wonders for the companies. To begin with, in-house hiring is the key to relieve financial burdens. In other words, entitling promotion to person knows about the general workings of the business means that no special training needs to be given, therefore, saving companies’ resources for other priorities. In addition, promoting committed workers to higher position acts as an incentive for what they have contributed to the enterprises. Thanks to the promotional opportunity, they would work harder to deserve the high powered job they earned, thus, boosting sales and profits for the companies. In conclusion, it seems to me that hiring from within or without being both beneficial to the enterprises. Therefore, high-powered job should be held by ppl with job prospects, regardless of their time working with the companies.
Whether promotions should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to employees from within or to workers outside the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
remains a controversial issue.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
claim that recruiting new faces does the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enterprises
a world of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
, while others adopt an opposing view that in-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hiring
should be on high agenda. In my opinion, both sources of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hiring
have its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
merits, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hiring
decisions should
be made
in the best interest of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.

On the one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hand
, it goes without saying that headhunting outsiders for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
positions endows the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enterprises
a package of benefits.
First
and foremost, it may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of age discrimination in the workplace. To be more specific, the established policy of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hiring
from within, which
is based
on the time commitment to the boards, opens the door for seniors to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
promotion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
simultaneously
depresses the chance of juniors to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
up the career ladder.
Consequently
, outside
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hiring
, which lies in the work performance and productivity, would
Possible spelling mistake. 'minimise' is British English.
minimise
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of either inequality of opportunity or top-heavy staff structure.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hiring
newly
-qualified employers gives a helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hand
in strengthening the business,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
once outsiders
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the staff, they would pass on tricks of the trade and
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hand
experience they have accumulated while working outside the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
borders.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hand
, it is a foregone conclusion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hiring
from within does wonders for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, in-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hiring
is the key to relieve financial burdens. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, entitling promotion to person knows about the general workings of the business means that no special training needs to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
,
therefore
, saving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies’
resources for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
priorities.
In addition
, promoting committed workers to higher position acts as an incentive for what they have contributed to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enterprises
. Thanks to the promotional opportunity, they would work harder to deserve the
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
high powered
job they earned,
thus
, boosting sales and profits for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
.

In conclusion
, it seems to me that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hiring
from within or without being both beneficial to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enterprises
.
Therefore
, high-powered job should
be held
by
Possible spelling mistake found.
ppl
with job prospects, regardless of their time working with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay people think that young people today are too materialistic or money oriented; or do not care about being charitable or giving some money v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
354 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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