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People spend too much on family celebrations such as birthdays and weddings? What are the importance of these celebration? Do you think people really spend too much? v.2

People spend too much on family celebrations such as birthdays and weddings? What are the importance of these celebration? Do you think people really spend too much? v. 2
It is believed by many people that money plays an important role in the promotion of happiness. In my opinion, it is possible to be happy even with little money as there are a lot of other important factors that also play an important role in spreading happiness. Yes, it is possible to be happy even when someone has little money. To illustrate, poor people, there is a lot of them who are happy in their life despite their financial problems. They also celebrate various festivals. One factor that impacts a person's happiness is satisfaction in life. In other words, if a person is not satisfied with himself, then he starts feeling low in his life and remains unhappy most of the time. People do different things to live a happy satisfied life. On the one hand, some do this by helping others. For example, many people provide their services for free by working as volunteers in various missions aimed at helping the needy. On the other hand, some increase happiness in their life by doing the work that they love, since a major part of our life is spent working. Finally, happiness is also dependent on how tensed a person's life is. In other words, being always in tension keeps a person's mind preoccupied with thoughts about the problems that he is facing and he is not able to enjoy any happy moments that come his way during this time. For instance, persons having problems in their personal life often find it hard to stay happy. In conclusion, if a someone is having less money than that doesn't mean that the person is unhappy in his life. Living a stress free life and doing something that keeps a person satisfied are some of the factors that play a vital role in keeping a person happy.
It
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in the promotion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. In my opinion, it is possible to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
even with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factors that
also
play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in spreading happiness.

Yes, it is possible to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
even when someone has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. To illustrate, poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
them who are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
despite their financial problems. They
also
celebrate various festivals.

One factor that impacts a person's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is satisfaction in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
is not satisfied with himself, then he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
feeling low in his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and remains unhappy most of the time.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
things to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
satisfied
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
do this by helping others.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
provide their services for free by working as volunteers in various missions aimed at helping the needy. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
increase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
by doing the work that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
, since a major part of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is spent
working.

Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is
also
dependent on how tensed a person's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, being always in tension
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
a person's mind preoccupied with thoughts about the problems that he is
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
facing and
he is not able to enjoy any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
moments that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
his way during this time.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
having problems in their personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
find it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to stay happy.

In conclusion
, if
Possible typo. Did you mean "a" or "someone"?
a someone
is having less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
than that doesn't mean that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
is unhappy in his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Living a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and doing something that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
satisfied are
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
factors that play a vital role in keeping a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay People spend too much on family celebrations such as birthdays and weddings? What are the importance of these celebration? Do you think people really spend too much? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
306 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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