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People spend large amounts of time and money on clothes, hairstyles and make up to change their appearance. Is it important for people to be concerned about the way they look? What are the consequences of focussing on physical appearance? v.2

People spend large amounts of time and money on clothes, hairstyles and make up to change their appearance. Is it important for people to be concerned about the way they look? What are the consequences of focussing on physical appearance? v. 2
Youths these days are paying hefty price for their outward appearance. They not only shop from high street brands but also doing stuffs like hair colour, tattoos which wasn' t common before this generation. This essay will discuss the importance of looking attractive and it will also discuss its effects on the people. First of all, looking good does play an important part in someone' s life as it gives them the self-confidence in doing things which they generally avoid. Take interview for an example. It has long been associated that when going for an interview, one should look neat and tidy as it would give good impression about the interviewee. In addition to that, good appearance may bring self-esteem to them and feel more confident about themselves. On the other side, focusing blindly on physical appearance can bring a lot of negativity in a person' s life. While looking good and attractive, people can surpass their expense by spending more on beauty products which can create disparity among the less-privileged. As a result, people will be judged on the basis of their lifestyle and expensive clothes which will eventually dis-integrate people from the society. Another major problem of focusing on external appearance is that people go on extreme to look good. Both men and women try their best to look good which can have adverse effect on their health. For instance, some women may choose to go for plastic surgery to improve their physical appearance, while some men may take certain drugs which can help them develop, masculine figure. This shows that, people can go to any length when it comes to good appearance even neglecting their health for it. In conclusion, external appearance does play a part in personality development but it comes with a cost of dis-integration and peer pressure. As people get so concerned about their image that they neglect basic necessities of life like living in harmony and charity.
Youths these days are paying hefty price for their outward
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearance
. They not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
shop from high street brands
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
doing stuffs like hair
Possible spelling mistake. 'colour' is British English.
colour
, tattoos which
Possible spelling mistake found.
wasn&
#039; t common
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
this generation. This essay will discuss the importance of looking attractive and it will
also
discuss its effects on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, looking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
does play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part in
Possible spelling mistake found.
someone&
#039; s life as it gives them the self-confidence in doing things which they
generally
avoid. Take interview for an example. It has long
been associated
that when going for an interview, one should look neat and tidy as it would give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
impression about the interviewee.
In addition
to that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearance
may bring self-esteem to them and feel more confident about themselves.

On the other side, focusing
blindly
on physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearance
can bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
negativity in a
Possible spelling mistake found.
person&
#039; s life. While looking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
and attractive,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can surpass their expense by spending more on beauty products which can create disparity among the less-privileged.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
be judged
on the basis of their lifestyle and expensive clothes which will
eventually
dis-integrate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from the society.

Another major problem of focusing on external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearance
is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
go on extreme to look
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
. Both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women try their best to look
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
which can have adverse effect on their health.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
women may choose to go for plastic surgery to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearance
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
may take certain drugs which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them develop, masculine figure. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can go to any length when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearance
even neglecting their health for it.

In conclusion
, external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearance
does play a part in personality development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with a cost of dis-integration and peer pressure. As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
concerned about their image that they neglect
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
of life like living in harmony and charity.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay People spend large amounts of time and money on clothes, hairstyles and make up to change their appearance. Is it important for people to be concerned about the way they look? What are the consequences of focussing on physical appearance? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
324 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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