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People sleep less than they used to in the past. what are the reasons behind it? what are the effects on individuals? v.3

People sleep less than they used to in the past. what are the reasons behind it? what are the effects on individuals? v. 3
These days, modern people are willing to organize everything from the home to the offices. In this regard, they are reckoned to think that these kinds of actions will bring a productivity. However, others feel that employees should only concentrate on the working process, and it is not essential how their workplace is messed. After pondering this phenomenon, I believe that the result of work is crucial than the order of things in the office or a house. On the one hand, it is true that the outcomes of processes are important that focusing on minor things such as cleaning, washing and tidying. In this reason, many people tend to think that individuals should not focus on these tasks. Furthermore, these tasks can bother the individuals from the concentrating on the job. To illustrate, many well-known artists and researchers did not do these kinds of things. As a result, they can dedicate their time for their profession. On the other hand, it is clear that the randomness in the house may influence on the performance of the individuals as well as on the mood of their family members or their colleagues. They can be affected by these changes. Moreover, the chaos can be ineffective, especially when the people are seeking for their tools or important documents in order to write something immediately. For example, office managers should organize everything. Otherwise, they can loss their customers, because the clients are not willing to visit the places where the items are messed. In conclusion, although many people tend to think that the organized people are successful, others believe that the outcomes of the job is essential. In this regard, I believe that workers should focus on the result of their business.
These days, modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are willing to organize everything from the home to the offices. In this regard, they
are reckoned
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that these kinds of actions will bring a productivity.
However
, others feel that employees should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
concentrate on the working process, and it is not essential how their workplace
is messed
. After pondering this phenomenon, I believe that the result of work is
Use "(crucial)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
crucial
than the order of things in the office or a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
.

On the one hand, it is true that the outcomes of processes are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
that focusing on minor things such as cleaning, washing and tidying. In this reason,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that individuals should not focus on these tasks.
Furthermore
, these tasks can bother the individuals from the concentrating on the job. To illustrate,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
well-known artists and researchers did not do these kinds of things.
As a result
, they can dedicate their time for their profession.

On the other hand
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that the randomness in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
may influence on the performance of the individuals
as well
as on the mood of their family members or their colleagues. They can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
.
Moreover
, the chaos can be ineffective,
especially
when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are seeking for their tools or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
documents in order to write something immediately.
For example
, office managers should organize everything.
Otherwise
, they can
"loss" is a noun. Did you mean the verb "lose" (= 'to lose')?
loss
their customers,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the clients are not willing to visit the places where the items
are messed
.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the organized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are successful, others believe that the outcomes of the job is essential. In this regard, I believe that workers should focus on the result of their business.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay People sleep less than they used to in the past. what are the reasons behind it? what are the effects on individuals? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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