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People sleep less than they used to in the past. What do you think is the reason behind this? What are the effects on individuals? v.1

People sleep less than they used to in the past. What do you think is the reason behind this? What are the effects on individuals? v. 1
People sleep fewer hours than they did many years ago. This is because we tend to work longer hours compared to the past and this results in fatigue. People tend to sleep less compared to the past because they are expected to work more. This is because the job market is more competitive than ever before and workers have to get more done or they may fall behind or be replaced by someone else. This means that people have to get up earlier and do not return home until late in the evening, thus cutting into their sleep. Furthermore, they do not have time to relax and this disrupts their sleep pattern. For example, a recent study showed that the average employee works 2. 4 hours more than average workers in the 1970's. The primary effect of this widespread chronic fatigue. That is to say large sections of the population do not the required 8 hours and this results in a high percentage of them being too tired to live their lives effectively. This could mean that they underperform at work, are more irritable with those around them or could even have health problems. For example, the Golden State Warriors basketball team employed a sleep expert and the studied players who sleep for more than 9 hours a night and compared them with those that only got 6. Those that slept less had more injuries and actually performed worse on the court. In conclusion, people are more sleeping deprived than in previous generations due to longer working hours and the effect is that many are chronically tired to the point of exhaustion.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
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sleep
fewer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
than they did
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years ago. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
we tend to
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work
longer
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hours
compared to the past and this results in fatigue.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
tend to
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sleep
less compared to the past
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
more. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the job market is more competitive than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
and workers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
done or
they may fall behind or
be replaced
by someone else. This means that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
up earlier and do not return home until late in the evening,
thus
cutting into their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleep
.
Furthermore
, they do not have time to relax and this disrupts their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleep
pattern.
For example
, a recent study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that the average employee works 2. 4
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
more than average workers in the
Apostrophes aren't needed for decades: "1970s".
1970's
.

The primary effect of this widespread chronic fatigue.
That is
to say large sections of the population do not the required 8
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
and this results in a high percentage of them being too tired to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
effectively
. This could mean that they underperform at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, are more irritable with those around them or could even have health problems.
For example
, the Golden State Warriors basketball team employed a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleep
expert and the studied players who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleep
for more than 9
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
a night and compared them with those that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
6. Those that slept less had more injuries and actually performed worse on the court.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are more sleeping deprived than in previous generations due to longer working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
and the effect is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
are
chronically
tired to the point of exhaustion.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
A man who knows two languages is worth two men.
French Proverb

IELTS essay People sleep less than they used to in the past. What do you think is the reason behind this? What are the effects on individuals? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
272 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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