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People sleep less than before in many countries. Why do people sleep less? What effect does it have on an individually and on society? v.16

People sleep less than before in many countries. Why do people sleep less? What effect does it have on an individually and on society? v. 16
Insomnia is becoming a problem, especially for big city residents. The number of people who experience lack of sleep is increasing in many countries all over the world. This essay will explain some reasons of that problem and possible impacts to people who are exposed to it themselves and to others. Primary question, why people, especially workers, sleep less? First, it is because those executives meet the work deadlines every single day. For instance, a manager who has just arrived in London after taking twelve hours of flight from Jakarta has to prepare a presentation to meet his client in the next morning. If it happens almost every week, it will ruin his sleeping schedule. Second, they have to deal with their family by the time they get back home. For example, a working mom has to look after her baby after working so she will not feel as if she is a bad mom. Thus, those obligations make people feel nervous and hardly go directly to sleep even after they have finished their duty at the office. Next, what kind of negative impacts can happen to people who experience it and to society around those people? There are several unpleasant things can happen. Foremost, in an individual scale, in can cause a serious health effect, namely severe insomnia. Uncertain sleeping schedule can ruin our biological clock and it can mainspring hormonal changes in the long run. Moreover, that person can be so annoying to his or her colleagues because he or she hardly focus on the project. This can cause a really bad relationship amongst beloved family members and co-workers. I am certain that there is nobody who like to see a grumpy person all day long. To conclude, I believe people experience insomnia mainly because of the work deadlines. Hence, it causes so many drawbacks in a personal level and moreover in a working level.
Insomnia is becoming a problem,
especially
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
city residents. The number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
experience lack of sleep is increasing in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries all over the world. This essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons of that problem and possible impacts to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are exposed
to it themselves and to others.

Primary question, why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
workers, sleep less?
First
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
those executives
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the work deadlines every single day.
For instance
, a manager
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
arrived in London after taking twelve hours of flight from Jakarta
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
prepare a presentation to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
his client in the
next
morning. If it happens almost every week, it will ruin his sleeping schedule. Second, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
deal with their family by the time they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
back home.
For example
, a working mom
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
look after her baby after working
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
she will not feel as if she is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
mom.
Thus
, those obligations
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel nervous and hardly go
directly
to sleep even after they have finished their duty at the office.

Next
, what kind of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts can happen to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
experience it and to society around those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
? There are several unpleasant things can happen. Foremost, in an individual scale, in can cause a serious health effect,
namely
severe insomnia. Uncertain sleeping schedule can ruin our biological clock and it
The word 'mainspring' is a noun or an adjective. A verb or adverb is missing or misspelled here, or maybe a comma is missing.
can mainspring
hormonal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in the long run.
Moreover
, that person can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
annoying to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
colleagues
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he or she hardly
The pronoun 'she' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "focuses", "focusses", "focused", "focussed".
focus
on the project. This can cause a
really
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
relationship amongst beloved family members and co-workers. I am certain that there is nobody
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
a grumpy person all day long.

To conclude
, I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
experience insomnia
mainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the work deadlines.
Hence
, it causes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
drawbacks in a personal level and
moreover
in a working level.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay People sleep less than before in many countries. Why do people sleep less? What effect does it have on an individually and on society? v. 16

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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