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People sleep less than before in many countries. Why do people sleep less? What effect does it have on an individual and society? v.10

People sleep less than before in many countries. Why do people sleep less? What effect does it have on an individual and society? v. 10
An increasing concern for many people around the world is that sleep deprivation. The causes of this phenomenon are varied and have led to a wide range of effects on human life. In this essay, I will outline why sleep deficiency is occurring and discuss the impacts it can have on people. From an overall perspective, one of the main causes of the problem is that cutting-edge technological advance such as the high-speed internet, gaming computers, and modern smartphones. These devices are giving people, especially young adults, a lot of fun like surfing websites, playing almost real 3D games, and chatting with friends for many hours, reducing sleep hours considerably. Secondly, today the society is becoming more competitive. By this I mean people have become busier than ever before in order to suffer from this competition and live happy and well. The results of sleep deficiency are numerous and potentially serious. Perhaps the most serious consequence is that insomnia. According to the study conducted by the American National Health Center, if one is being lacked sleep for more than two weeks, it will affect his entire body negatively and growing risks to get insomnia. A second consequence is that health problems, especially mental health problems. For example, the study showed that last year (by 2018) more than 10 million adolescents addicted to a mobile game named ‘PUBG’ and they had sleep deficiency, which in turn leads to hurt their mental health. To recapitulate, sleep deprivation is an issue which will continue to demand our attention for the foreseeable future, due to the reasons such as technological advances and competitive community.
An increasing concern for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
around the world is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleep
deprivation. The causes of this phenomenon
are varied
and have led to a wide range of effects on human life. In this essay, I will outline why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleep
deficiency is occurring and discuss the impacts it can have on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

From an
overall
perspective, one of the main causes of the problem is that cutting-edge technological advance such as the high-speed internet, gaming computers, and modern smartphones. These devices are giving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
especially
young adults,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
fun like surfing websites, playing almost real 3D games, and chatting with friends for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
hours, reducing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleep
hours
considerably
.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
the society is becoming more competitive. By this I mean
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have become busier than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
in order to suffer from this competition and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
happy and well.

The results of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleep
deficiency are numerous and
potentially
serious. Perhaps the most serious consequence is that insomnia. According to the study conducted by the American National Health Center, if one is
being lacked
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleep
for more than two weeks, it will affect his entire body
negatively
and growing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
insomnia. A second consequence is that health problems,
especially
mental health problems.
For example
, the study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that last year (by 2018) more than 10 million adolescents addicted to a mobile game named ‘PUBG’ and they had
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleep
deficiency, which in turn leads to hurt their mental health.

To recapitulate,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleep
deprivation is an issue which will continue to demand our attention for the foreseeable future, due to the reasons such as technological advances and competitive community.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay People sleep less than before in many countries. Why do people sleep less? What effect does it have on an individual and society? v. 10

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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