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People sleep less than before in many countries. Why do people sleep less? What effect does it have on an individual and on society? v.8

People sleep less than before in many countries. Why do people sleep less? What effect does it have on an individual and on society? v. 8
In this modern world, many people are sleep deprived than they were before. This is due to the longer working hours at the office because of the high work demand. This is inevitably effecting people's productivity and is also negatively effecting the relationships among people in the society. Undoubtedly, the main reason of sleep deprivation is that people are exceptionally overworked nowadays. This is because they are facing a lot of job pressure and due to high competition in the market. Since, everyone wants to excel and reach the highest point in the corporate ladder without being patient, which leads to more peer pressure and hence, people end up spending more time at the work. For instance, in 2018, in India, it was reported that 85% of the IT workers spend atleast 55-60hrs a week in the office. Therefore, office work takes up most of their time, that eventually leaves only few hours for sleep. Sleep deprivation is immensely deteriorating people's productivity. In addition to this, it spares no time for people to socialize and attend community gatherings. In fact, people who are not well rested tend to feel less focused and cannot concentrate well on work. Moreover, due to lack of energy they are not able to spend time in networking and socializing. A research study in Indonesia revealed that people who spent more than 50hrs a week at work were eventually being less productive by the end of the week. Hence, lack of sleep negatively effects an individual's performance and the connection amongst people in the society. Nowadays, many people are sleep deprived around the globe. This is because of the growing work pressure and spending more hours at work. Consequently, this is adversely impacting the overall productivity of the employee and weakening the bond amongst the people in the society.
In this modern world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleep
deprived than they were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. This is due to the longer working hours at the office
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
demand. This is
inevitably
effecting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's productivity and is
also
negatively
effecting the relationships among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the society.

Undoubtedly
, the main reason of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleep
deprivation is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
exceptionally
overworked nowadays. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are facing
Possible agreement error. The noun job seems to be countable; consider using: "a lot of jobs".
a lot of job
pressure and due to high competition in the market. Since, everyone wants to excel and reach the highest point in the corporate ladder without being patient, which leads to more peer pressure and
hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up spending more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
For instance
, in 2018, in India, it
was reported
that 85% of the IT workers spend
Possible spelling mistake found.
atleast
55-60hrs a week in the office.
Therefore
, office
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
takes up most of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, that
eventually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leaves
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
few hours for sleep.

Sleep deprivation is
immensely
deteriorating
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's productivity.
In addition
to this, it spares no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to socialize and attend community gatherings. In fact,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are not well rested tend to feel less focused and cannot concentrate well on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
Moreover
, due to lack of energy they are not able to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in networking and socializing. A research study in Indonesia revealed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who spent more than 50hrs a week at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
were
eventually
being less productive by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the week.
Hence
, lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleep
negatively
effects an individual's performance and the connection
Do not mix variants of the same word ('amongst' and 'among') within a single text.
amongst
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the society.

Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleep
deprived around the globe. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the growing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
pressure and spending more hours at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
Consequently
, this is
adversely
impacting the
overall
productivity of the employee and weakening the bond
Do not mix variants of the same word ('amongst' and 'among') within a single text.
amongst
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the society.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay People sleep less than before in many countries. Why do people sleep less? What effect does it have on an individual and on society? v. 8

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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