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People should look after their health for personal benefits, rather than a duty for a society. What extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

People should look after their health for personal benefits, rather than a duty for a society. What extent v. 1
People should look after their health for personal benefits, rather than a duty for a society. What extent do you agree or disagree? In modern society, although some diseases can be treated effortlessly, a series of new diseases have emerged, some of which are incurable such as corona virus, HIV, cancers, and so on. Therefore, people should watch over their health cautiously to contract such diseases, as the first step toward preventing the pandemic in a society. Often we nowadays realize the extent to which personal healthcare can protect us from diseases. That is why it used to be said that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. However, individuals need to take care of the spread of illnesses as a social duty in the same serious way they care for themselves against illnesses. To begin with, our society has created a false dichotomy between personal benefits and social interests in relation to observing hygiene, whereby both are achievable. An essential point in this regard is that the lack of awareness of individual health care results in social consequences, causing more government investment economically in hygiene than the other facilities such as education, public transport, etc. For instance, people suffered from cancer have increasingly been growing over time because of consuming genetically modified foods, resulting in increasing import drugs by governments. Secondly, people no longer live in small communities to the same extent as they used to, therefore their interaction affects profoundly each other's lives. Unless people protect each other’s health, diseases will spread across society, especially those which are contagious. Personal health negligence can make a society more susceptible to contagious conditions, increasing the likelihood of an epidemic. For example, many citizens in my country were infected with corona virus because of inadequate self-care guidance and lack of personal health awareness, causing the disease to spread throughout my country, becoming the deadliest epidemic in my country’s history. In conclusion, people should pay attention to their health due to the fact that it is useful not only for personal benefits, but also for social interests.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
should look after their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
benefits,
rather
than a duty for a society.

What extent do you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
or disagree?

In modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
can
be treated
effortlessly
, a series of new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
have emerged,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of which are incurable such as
The term "coronavirus" (= disease) is spelled as one word.
corona virus
, HIV, cancers, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
over their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
cautiously
to contract such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
, as the
first
step toward preventing the pandemic in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Often
we nowadays realize the extent to which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
healthcare can protect us from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
.
That is
why it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
be said
that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
However
, individuals need to take care of the spread of illnesses as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
duty in the same serious way they care for themselves against illnesses.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
has created a false dichotomy between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
benefits and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
interests in relation to observing hygiene, whereby both are achievable. An essential point in this regard is that the lack of awareness of individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care results in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
consequences, causing more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
investment
economically
in hygiene than the other facilities such as education, public transport, etc.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suffered from cancer have
increasingly
been growing over time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of consuming
genetically
modified foods, resulting in increasing import drugs by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
no longer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
communities to the same extent as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to,
therefore
their interaction affects
profoundly
each other's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. Unless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
protect each other’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
will spread across
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
,
especially
those which are contagious.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
negligence can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
more susceptible to contagious conditions, increasing the likelihood of an epidemic.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
citizens in my country
were infected
with
The term "coronavirus" (= disease) is spelled as one word.
corona virus
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of inadequate self-care guidance and lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
awareness, causing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
to spread throughout my country, becoming the deadliest epidemic in my country’s history.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should pay attention to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
due to the fact that it is useful not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
benefits,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
interests.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
34Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay People should look after their health for personal benefits, rather than a duty for a society. What extent v. 1

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
348 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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