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People should look after their health as a duty to the society they live rather than personal benefits. Agree or disagree? v.1

People should look after their health as a duty to the society they live rather than personal benefits. Agree or disagree? v. 1
It has been argued that many people nowadays should pay more attention on their health to live longer and other personal benefits, for social responsibilities are still debated. In my point of view, I entirely agree with this view because of the following reasons. First of all, many people admit that achieving and maintaining good health are the long-term solutions to enhance their happy life greatly. It can be explained that people who are in good shape work more effectively and ensure higher productivity, so they are able to secure higher living standards and move forward in the career ladder. Besides, it is clear that health condition goes along with a psychological state, therefore healthy people always feel energetic and excited when doing daily activities rather than the sluggish ones. For example, stress is an inevitable part of life, seven out of ten adults in the United States say they experience stress or anxiety daily, but they learn to manage mental pressure by making use of regular exercise or following a balanced diet to cope with stress (ADAA News). Secondly, it is an undeniable fact that the social responsibility should be considered by the residents to share the help hand with the government to limit the potential health problems which may drag a country in economy, education and so on. Furthermore, an aging population will may not mean a great tax burden for working adults if people of retirement age who have a good health to continue a productive working life, so the money comes from national budgets will need to be taken from other areas and spent on vital health care. For example, by investing in old age, but good health residents, and they are able to face the third biggest economy in the world while Japan’s population is among the oldest on the planet and has one of the longest lifespans. Taking everything into consideration, it seems to me that each person should take their health as a part of the sustainable growth of the country and as personal benefits.
It has
been argued
that
many
people
nowadays should pay more attention on their
health
to
live
longer and other personal benefits, for social responsibilities are
still
debated. In my point of view, I
entirely
agree
with this view
because
of the following reasons.

First of all
,
many
people
admit that achieving and maintaining
good
health
are the long-term solutions to enhance their happy life
greatly
. It can be
explained
that
people
who are in
good
shape work more
effectively
and ensure higher productivity,
so
they are able to secure higher living standards and
move
forward in the career ladder.
Besides
, it is
clear
that
health
condition goes along with a psychological state,
therefore
healthy
people
always feel energetic and excited when doing daily activities
rather
than the sluggish ones.
For example
,
stress
is an inevitable part of life, seven out of ten adults in the United States say they experience
stress
or anxiety daily,
but
they learn to manage mental pressure by making
use
of regular exercise or following a balanced diet to cope with
stress
(
ADAA
News).

Secondly
, it is an undeniable fact that the social responsibility should
be considered
by the residents to share the
help
hand with the
government
to limit the potential
health
problems which may drag a country in economy, education and
so
on.
Furthermore
, an aging population will may not mean a great tax burden for working adults if
people
of retirement age who have a
good
health
to continue a productive working life,
so
the money
comes
from national budgets will need to
be taken
from other areas and spent on vital
health
care.
For example
, by investing in
old
age,
but
good
health
residents, and they are able to face the third biggest economy in the world while Japan’s population is among the oldest on the planet and has one of the longest lifespans.

Taking everything into consideration, it seems to me that each person should take their
health
as a part of the sustainable growth of the country and as personal benefits.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
I am always sorry when any language is lost, because languages are the pedigrees of nations.
Samuel Johnson

IELTS essay People should look after their health as a duty to the society they live rather than personal benefits. Agree or disagree? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
342 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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