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People should look after their health as a duty to the society they live rather than personal benefits. Agree or disagree? v.2

People should look after their health as a duty to the society they live rather than personal benefits. Agree or disagree? v. 2
It is often argued that entertainers are more popular than the scientists. However the importances of entertainers such as film stars, comedians cannot be defined with popularity and fame. Some people believe that in todays time, entertainers is as much important as scientists experiments and evolution. I completely disagree with this opinion and think that science research play a vital role in the developing world. First of all, I believe all professions are important whether they are entertainers or researchers, but these two professions are not comparable. People believe that wages in entertainment profession, such as sports, movies or cinemas increase rapidly with the fame of the person. People start following the lifestyle of superstar as they got famous and they believe that money is more important than the knowledge. Although a sports person provides glory to the country in their fields and sports as an entertainment help society to get physically fit. Secondly, scientists as a career not only help individuals, but their output will help other people also. However, people are afraid to choose this occupation because it requires more qualified education and courses are also expensive. For instance, the galaxy experiments are quite costly and one needs high education and certifications which require money to fulfil their desire. Beside thiss scientific experiments such as Mission Mangal, provide fame to the nation. On the whole, I support the idea that the profession which provide growth of the nation are more important. However, wages and stardom is more in professions like entertainment, but that cannot define their importance to the whole world.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
are more popular than the scientists.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
the
Possible spelling mistake found.
importances
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
such as film stars, comedians cannot
be defined
with popularity and fame.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that in
Possible spelling mistake found.
todays
time,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
is as much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
as scientists experiments and evolution. I completely disagree with this opinion and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that science research play a vital role in the developing world.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professions
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
whether they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
or researchers,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
these two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professions
are not comparable.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that wages in entertainment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profession
, such as sports, movies or cinemas increase
rapidly
with the fame of the person.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
following the lifestyle of superstar as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
famous and
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that money is more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
than the knowledge. Although a sports person provides glory to the country in their fields and sports as an entertainment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
society to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
physically
fit.

Secondly
, scientists as a career not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
individuals,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
their output will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
also
.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are afraid to choose this occupation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it requires more qualified education and courses are
also
expensive.
For instance
, the galaxy experiments are quite costly and one needs high education and certifications which require money to fulfil their desire. Beside
Possible spelling mistake found.
thiss
scientific experiments such as Mission
Possible spelling mistake found.
Mangal
, provide fame to the nation.

On the whole
, I support the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profession
which provide growth of the nation are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
.
However
, wages and stardom is more in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professions
like entertainment,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
that cannot define their importance to the whole world.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay People should look after their health as a duty to the society they live rather than personal benefits. Agree or disagree? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
263 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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