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People say that a child s success is dependent on the way parents bring them up To what extent do you agree or disagree v.1

People say that a child s success is dependent on the way parents bring them up v. 1
Nowadays most children regularly play games on a computer or their television. These games have become more violent over the past few years. In fact, many parents worry about this and the effect these games are having on their children. Some are concerned that playing violent games might encourage them to come aggressive in real life. What we need to establish is whether or not this is actually true. First, it may help to look back at the games that children used to play many years ago before the invention of computers. In those days children would probably have played popular board games such as Monopoly or Chess, or they may have played card games or some type of outdoor sport. These sports or games would probably only have encouraged children to become more competitive rather than violent. However, throughout history children have always played fighting games with toy or pretend weapons. Even now many parents will buy a toy gun or sword for their child. Why have we never read reports in the media about the impact plastic weapons could have on children? Perhaps this is because the link between play fighting and actual fighting is not very strong. In conclusion, the way children play games has changed with the times, but the ideas behind those games have actually changed very little. Just as playing at soldiers did not increase violence in the past, I believe that playing computer games will not lead to an increase in violence in the future. I think that if we looked more closely at life in our major cities, then we would find there are many other possible causes for the increase in crime and violence.
Nowadays most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
regularly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on a computer or their television. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have become more violent over the past few years. In fact,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents worry about this and the effect these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are having on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
are concerned
that playing violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
might encourage them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
aggressive in real life. What we need to establish is
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
this is actually true.

First
, it may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to look back at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years ago
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the invention of computers. In those days
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would
probably
have played popular board
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
such as Monopoly or Chess, or they may have played card
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
type of outdoor sport. These sports or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
would
probably
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
have encouraged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to become more competitive
rather
than violent.

However
, throughout history
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have always played fighting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
with toy or pretend weapons. Even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a toy gun or sword for their child. Why have we never read reports in the media about the impact plastic weapons could have on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
? Perhaps this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the link between
The usual collocation for an activity ending in "-ing" is "go" not "do" or "play." Revise: "go fighting".
play fighting
and actual fighting is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
strong.

In conclusion
, the way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
with the times,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
behind those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have actually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Just
as playing at soldiers did not increase violence in the past, I believe that playing computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
will not lead to an increase in violence in the future. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that if we looked more
closely
at life in our major cities, then we would find there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other possible causes for the increase in crime and violence.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay People say that a child s success is dependent on the way parents bring them up v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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