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People recognize a difference between children and adults. What events (experiences or ceremonies) make a person an adult? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your answer. v.1

People recognize a difference between children and adults. What events (experiences or ceremonies) make a person an adult? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your answer. v. 1
Recently, there has been an increase in the numbers of students studying overseas as part of their degree. Although, they get to learn another culture and language, they might feel isolated, having to live far away from their loved ones. In my opinion, student will be way better off not travelling abroad to study to eliminate the risk of feeling depressed and not learning a language they might never use. There is a variation in the way people communicate all across the globe primarily because of the culture of the place. As a result of this, to be able to communicate effectively a student who travels overseas will have to learn the culture and spoken language of their new environment. Although, this might be changeling initially, but they eventually adapt. This new language might also have a positive impact on their career later in the future. For example, most companies now prefer applicant who can speak more than one language fluently. This could be an advantage for a person who had schooled in a foreign country. However, despite this benefit very few student do well in foreign countries. First of all, nobody likes to leave their comfort zone. A place where one feels safe, understood and comfortable. Most students find it difficult to live thousands of miles away from their families for various reasons. For some they have never left home, some inability to care for themselves, and some might have some emotional ties to their families. Additionally, some even find it difficult to communicate on a regular basis with their families because of the time difference that does exist between two continents. This eventually tends to affect their grades in school. A recent studies carried out by the University Council Body in America shown that students usually decline academically when they are abroad, and this was attributed to depression from being homesick. To conclude, although it will be an advantage to be bilingual as this could be handy in the future, but it’s extremely important not to live isolated in depression.
Recently, there has been an increase in the numbers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
studying overseas as part of their degree. Although, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to learn another culture and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
feel isolated, having to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
far away from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
will be way better off not travelling abroad to study to eliminate the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of feeling depressed and not learning a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
.

There is a variation in the way
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
communicate all across the globe
primarily
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the culture of the place.
As a result
of this, to be able to communicate
effectively
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
who travels overseas will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
learn the culture and spoken
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
of their new environment. Although, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be changeling
initially
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
eventually
adapt. This new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
also
have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on their career later in the future.
For example
, most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
prefer applicant who can speak more than one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
fluently
. This could be an advantage for a person who had schooled in a foreign country.

However
, despite this benefit
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
do well in foreign countries.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, nobody likes to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their comfort zone. A place where one feels safe, understood and comfortable. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
find it difficult to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
thousands of miles away from their families for various reasons. For
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
they have never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
home,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
inability to care for themselves, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
emotional ties to their families.
Additionally
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
even find it difficult to communicate on a regular basis with their families
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the time difference that does exist between two continents. This
eventually
tends to affect their grades in school. A recent
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "study"?
studies
carried out by the University Council Body in America shown that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
usually
decline
academically
when they are abroad, and this
was attributed
to depression from being homesick.

To conclude
, although it will be an advantage to be bilingual as this could be handy in the future,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it’s
extremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
not to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
isolated in depression.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay People recognize a difference between children and adults. What events (experiences or ceremonies) make a person an adult? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your answer. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
342 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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