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People prefer to watch foreign films rather than locally produced ones. Why do you think this happens? Should the government support local film makers financially? v.1

People prefer to watch foreign films rather than locally produced ones. Why do you think this happens? Should the government support local film makers financially? v. 1
Statistics show that a lot of young promising minds discontinue their education due to lack of resources, particularly in developing countries where a university education is not subsidized by the government. I completely disagree with this opinion and think that the rich find accessibility in higher learning institutions far much easier than the poor. First of all, rich people have the financial ability to send their kids to the best schools in the world as they can afford the tuition fees and other expenses associated with their studies. A good example, elite families from Kenya send their children to private universities in the United kingdom and the United States, while poor families from marginalized regions in the Northern Kenya struggle to find admission for their kids in public universities and sometimes even miss out on them due to the scarce income. Thus, the ability to pay tuition is a key factor in the accessibility of an academic institution and the rich have the upper hand in this category. Secondly, to study in a higher learning institution, a prospective student has to attain the minimum entry points that have been specified. Rich families can afford the service of a highly qualified tutor to help their kids work towards attaining entry points. They also have the ability to supplement that with the purchase of revision materials such as books and other study materials. When you compare the performance of the most recent national exams of Nairobi county and counties in Northern Kenya, you can clearly see the impact of resource disparity in student performance. In conclusion, the rich face less difficulties in accessing university than the poor. They have the financial muscle to make sure their children study comfortably in the best schools in the world.
Statistics
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
young promising minds discontinue their education due to lack of resources,
particularly
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
where a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
education is not subsidized by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
. I completely disagree with this opinion and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
find accessibility in higher learning institutions far much easier than the poor.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have the financial ability to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
their kids to the best schools in the world as they can afford the tuition fees and other expenses associated with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example, elite families from Kenya
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
their children to private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
in the
The proper noun "United Kingdom" needs to be capitalized.
United kingdom
and the United States, while poor families from marginalized regions in the Northern Kenya struggle to find admission for their kids in public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
even miss out on them due to the scarce income.
Thus
, the ability to pay tuition is a key factor in the accessibility of an academic institution and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
have the upper hand in this category.

Secondly
, to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
in a higher learning institution, a prospective student
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
attain the minimum entry points that have
been specified
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Rich
families can afford the service of a
highly
qualified tutor to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their kids work towards attaining entry points. They
also
have the ability to supplement that with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
of revision materials such as books and other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
materials. When you compare the performance of the most recent national exams of Nairobi county and counties in Northern Kenya, you can
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the impact of resource disparity in student performance.

In conclusion
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
face less difficulties in accessing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
than the poor. They have the financial muscle to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure their children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
comfortably
in the best schools in the world.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay People prefer to watch foreign films rather than locally produced ones. Why do you think this happens? Should the government support local film makers financially? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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