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People nowadays are buying wider range of household things (for example television, rice cooker) than in the past. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v.2

People nowadays are buying wider range of household things (for example television, rice cooker) than in the past. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v. 2
In the contemporary world, most of individuals are spending various of sophisticated household-wares that never happened at the former. In my viewpoint, the benefits are becoming more influential and bringing the prosperity to the whole group of society than its drawbacks, which will be investigated in this essay. First and foremost, the tools of household are extremely required among people in nowadays, since, its function would be more useful and flexible to help their home task. Having a washing machine which has a fast laundry, for instance, will not take a longer time to wash than in previous. Other things are rice cooker that being helpful to minimize time in cooking rice, only needs half hour. Furthermore, those devices are giving an enormous convenience factor for keeping house. It can be seen that we can be able to reduce our energy for housekeeping. Its function is clearly making our time to be efficient. As we can do anything in a same time such as make a laundry while cooking rice, afterwards cleaning with vacuum cleaner while watching a television. On the other hand, consolation is needed at home, that is television. This device has not only provided something to entertain, but also a plenty of information which can be known only by switching it. As a result, some families will be happy to spend more time at home by watching it together. Moreover, we could extend our ability in home management insight. All automatic items have a great deal to manage our home, though for newlyweds. Thus, those things will also be helpful to encourage the high mobility of human activities. By way of conclusion, although, the energy has been needed more to turn on those sophisticated machines, yet the effects are becoming more beneficial and effective for the development of housekeeping. As I would state the positive sides of those smart devices are also encouraging many individuals in managing time due to its efficiency.
In the contemporary world,
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the individuals") or simply say "most individuals".
most of individuals
are spending various of sophisticated household-wares that never happened at the former. In my viewpoint, the benefits are becoming more influential and bringing the prosperity to the whole group of society than its drawbacks, which will
be investigated
in this essay.

First
and foremost, the tools of household are
extremely
required among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
nowadays is used without 'in'. Use simply: "nowadays".
in nowadays
, since, its function would be more useful and flexible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their home task. Having a washing machine which has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
laundry,
for instance
, will not take a longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to wash than in previous. Other things are rice cooker that being helpful to minimize
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in cooking rice,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
needs half hour.
Furthermore
, those devices are giving an enormous convenience factor for keeping
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
. It can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that we can be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
our energy for housekeeping. Its function is
clearly
making our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to be efficient. As we can do anything in a same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
such as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a laundry while cooking rice, afterwards cleaning with vacuum cleaner while watching a television.

On the other hand
, consolation
is needed
at home,
that is
television. This device has not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
provided something to entertain,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of information which can
be known
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by switching it.
As a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
families will be happy to spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at home by watching it together.
Moreover
, we could extend our ability in home management insight. All automatic items have a great deal to manage our home, though for newlyweds.
Thus
, those things will
also
be helpful to encourage the high mobility of human activities.

By way of conclusion, although, the energy has
been needed
more to turn on those sophisticated machines,
yet
the effects are becoming more beneficial and effective for the development of housekeeping.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
I would state the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
sides of those smart devices are
also
encouraging
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals in managing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
due to its efficiency.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay People nowadays are buying wider range of household things (for example television, rice cooker) than in the past. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
325 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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