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People eat more and more processed food than they did in the past. Why is this? What are the effects of this? v.1

People eat more and more processed food than they did in the past. Why is this? What are the effects of this? v. 1
Some individuals feel that convicts should not be punished by putting them in jails rather than they should be made to do some community work for the betterment of society. In my opinion, jailbirds should do some community work instead of sitting idle in jail with other criminals. This essay will discuss the importance of voluntary work among criminals and elaborate why it should be divided based on the nature of crime. On the one hand, convicts should be given the opportunity to improve their behaviour and mind-set considerably. This could be done if they are made to do voluntary work, such as helping poor ones by supplying essential resources, working as a disability support worker and so on. As a result, convicts will deter to commit any crime in the future because a criminal commits a crime due to his resented mindset that has been for a number of years. Therefore, community work will help them to ameliorate their behaviour by working among needy people and they will be inclined to think in a positive way. For instance, a March 2018 study by Monash University found that prisoners, who were given the opportunity to work as a volunteer were freed from the jail within 6 months of time due to their good character. Although voluntary work can improve the prisoners anti-social behaviour, it needs to take into account the extremeness of crime, most notably. Crimes, such as murder, rape, sexual assault are of extreme in nature and letting convicts to be in public and engage with others can have serious catastrophic effects. Therefore, according to the Criminal Psychologists, convicts who are juvenile or commits crime that are not extreme should be given the opportunity to work on a voluntary basis. In conclusion, looking at my vantage point criminals should be given a chance to work as a volunteer depending on the nature of crime as this will not create a threat among individuals or society as a whole.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individuals feel that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
convicts
should not
be punished
by putting them in jails
rather
than they should
be made
to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for the betterment of society. In my opinion, jailbirds should do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
instead
of sitting idle in jail with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
. This essay will discuss the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
voluntary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
and elaborate why it should
be divided
based on the nature of crime.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
convicts
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and mind-set
considerably
. This could
be done
if they
are made
to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
voluntary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, such as helping poor ones by supplying essential resources, working as a disability support worker and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
convicts
will deter to commit any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
in the future
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
commits a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
due to his resented mindset that has been for a number of years.
Therefore
, community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to ameliorate their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
by working among needy
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
people and
they will
be inclined
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
way.
For instance
, a March 2018 study by Monash University found that prisoners, who were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the opportunity to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
as a volunteer
were freed
from the jail within 6 months of time due to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
character.

Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
voluntary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the prisoners anti-social
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
, it needs to take into account the extremeness of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
, most
notably
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Crimes
, such as murder, rape, sexual assault are of extreme in nature and letting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
convicts
to be in public and engage with others can have serious catastrophic effects.
Therefore
, according to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Criminal
Psychologists,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
convicts
who are juvenile or commits
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
that are not extreme should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the opportunity to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
on a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
voluntary
basis.

In conclusion
, looking at my vantage point
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a chance to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
as a volunteer depending on the nature of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
as this will not create a threat among individuals or society as a whole.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay People eat more and more processed food than they did in the past. Why is this? What are the effects of this? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
329 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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