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People eat more processed food than they did in the past, why is this and what are the effects of this? v.1

People eat more processed food than they did in the past, why is this and what are the effects of this? v. 1
Sending youngsters to schools or teaching them at home is becoming a controversial issue lately. While some, myself included, would agree that schools are more effective, others believe that teaching at the house is the best for kids. On the one hand, studying at school has been scientifically proven to be an efficient way for learning. As students are experiencing more besides gaining knowledge through interaction with their peers. For instance, competitions between pupils in the class during exams or quizzes, create a fertile environment through which they are trying their best in order to achieve higher grades and scores. This process was found to be positively affecting their mental development in addition to enhancing their skills. Another advantage of school learning is that it's considered as a suitable place where children could make friendships with their colleagues. On the other hand, proponents of home teaching state that it is a convenient method for learning, through which the child is having all the care needed to achieve well and progress in education. Furthermore, the pace of study is efficiently adapted to match the student skills or abilities, without any deadline or timetable pressure. Moreover, studying at home is the gate to learn through hard times of epidemic diseases. For example, at the time of Corona virus COVID-19 pandemic spread in the world, all schools around the world have been obliged to close due to the quarantine imposed. As a result, teaching at home via E-learning was apparently the only available method to study. To conclude, I believe that school learning is definitely way more efficient than studying at home as it induce an interaction with others which is strongly required for kids proper development.
Sending youngsters to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaching
them at home is becoming a controversial issue lately. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
, myself included, would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are more effective, others believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaching
at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
is the best for kids.

On the one hand, studying at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
has been
scientifically
proven to be an efficient way for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
students are experiencing more
besides
gaining knowledge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
interaction with their peers.
For instance
, competitions between pupils in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
during exams or quizzes, create a fertile environment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
which they are trying their best in order to achieve higher grades and scores. This process
was found
to be
positively
affecting their mental development
in addition
to enhancing their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. Another advantage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
is that it's considered as a suitable place where children could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friendships with their colleagues.

On the other hand
, proponents of home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaching
state that it is a convenient method for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
which the child is having all the care needed to achieve well and progress in education.
Furthermore
, the pace of study is
efficiently
adapted to match the student
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
or abilities, without any deadline or timetable pressure.

Moreover
, studying at home is the gate to learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
times of epidemic diseases.
For example
, at the time of
The term "Coronavirus" (= disease) is spelled as one word.
Corona virus
COVID-19 pandemic spread in the world, all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
around the world have
been obliged
to close due to the quarantine imposed.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaching
at home via E-learning was
apparently
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
available method to study.

To conclude
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
is definitely way more efficient than studying at home as it induce an interaction with others which is
strongly
required for kids proper development.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
I am always sorry when any language is lost, because languages are the pedigrees of nations.
Samuel Johnson

IELTS essay People eat more processed food than they did in the past, why is this and what are the effects of this? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
284 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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