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People doing different jobs enjoy different amount of holiday time Should people have the same amount of holiday time Give your opinion v.2

People doing different jobs enjoy different amount of holiday time Should people have the same amount of holiday time Give your opinion v. 2
People have different amount of vacation period who are doing jobs in different professions. Owing to this, I deem that people should not have equal amount of holiday time because it should be as per the type of the jobs which I have discussed in following paragraphs. To commence with, people should enjoy their holidays according to their professions because there are some fields which are highly in demand, especially during public holidays. For example, shopping is preferred by common people on Sunday or public holidays, therefore, if supermarkets are closed on these days then people will have to face adversities. In addition to that, teachers can also not take longer brakes during educational year because it may disturb the study of the students. Therefore, these are the plausible reasons to bolster the notion that people should not have same amount of holiday time. Additionally, holiday period also affected by the menace and critical activity concomitant with the work. To exemplify, a heart surgeon requires breaks at regular interval of time to rejuvenate himself from the texting surgeries. However, people who are working in Police department or Indian Army are less likely to get holidays frequently due to their hectic schedules and work. To illustrate, one of my friends is serving in Indian navy who has to work for six consecutive months without having holidays. Thus, by considering above mentioned factors, I could opine that holidays should be as per the type of profession. To recapitulate, I oppose the notion of having equal amount of holiday time for every job because of their necessity at particular time as well as type of work. Furthermore, it is recommended that, people should enjoy their holidays but priority should be given to their work as well.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
amount
of vacation period who are doing jobs in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
professions. Owing to this, I deem that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should not have equal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
amount
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holiday
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it should be as per the type of the jobs which I have discussed in following paragraphs.

To commence with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should enjoy their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holidays
according to their professions
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fields which are
highly
in demand,
especially
during public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holidays
.
For example
, shopping
is preferred
by common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
on Sunday or public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holidays
,
therefore
, if supermarkets
are closed
on these days then
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
face adversities.
In addition
to that, teachers can
also
not take longer brakes during educational year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it may disturb the study of the students.
Therefore
, these are the plausible reasons to bolster the notion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should not have same
Possible agreement error -- use past participle here: "amounted".
amount
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holiday
time.

Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holiday
period
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by the menace and critical activity concomitant with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. To exemplify, a heart surgeon requires breaks at regular interval of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to rejuvenate himself from the texting surgeries.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are working in Police department or Indian Army are less likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holidays
frequently
due to their hectic schedules and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. To illustrate, one of my friends is serving in Indian navy who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for six consecutive months without having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holidays
.
Thus
, by considering above mentioned factors, I could opine that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holidays
should be as per the type of profession.

To recapitulate, I oppose the notion of having equal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
amount
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holiday
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for every job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their necessity at particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
as well
as type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
Furthermore
, it
is recommended
that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should enjoy their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holidays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
priority should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
as well
.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
32Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay People doing different jobs enjoy different amount of holiday time Should people have the same amount of holiday time Give your opinion v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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