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People buy things which they don't need. Why this is happening? Is it a positive or negative development for the Individual and for society? v.2

People buy things which they don't need. Why this is happening? Is it a positive or negative development for the Individual and for society? v. 2
As compared to the past decades, it has been observed that people have become shopaholic. People nowadays buy things that are not required but only attracts them. In my opinion it is a negative development not only for individual but for the society as a whole. I shall discuss this phenomenon in more detail with valid arguments and examples. To begin with, people buying behavior has been adversely affected by the media. Media showcases the products in such an attractive way that It looks appealing and people tend to buy it; irrespective they need it or not. For instance, I saw an ad over television of fruit cutting equipment. I got so fascinated by the advertisement that I bought that product knowing that it was not an essential kitchen item. Thus media has influenced people’s purchasing patterns. To elucidate my stance further, I would like to mention another important aspect that is the mindset of people to stay on top in terms of buying and spending money. The status symbol and showoff race has encircled people in such a way that they don’t feel reluctant buying expensive and irrelevant items. For instance, in my family, people are racing for buying big television screens. One bought 60 inches and the other family bought 95 inches in a week’s time just to show off that they are richer. To recapitulate the aforementioned argument, I opine that people have developed inappropriate approach of purchasing unnecessary items in order to be considered rich and super cool. Unfortunately, this dilemma has been taking strength every passing day and we may find people spending their all savings into buying unimportant items for no good reason.
As compared to the past decades, it has
been observed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have become shopaholic.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
nowadays
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
things that are not required
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
attracts them. In my opinion it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for individual
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
for the society as a whole. I shall discuss this phenomenon in more detail with valid arguments and examples.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buying
behavior has been
adversely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by the media. Media showcases the products in such an attractive way that It looks appealing and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
it; irrespective they need it or not.
For instance
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
an ad over television of fruit cutting equipment. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
fascinated by the advertisement that I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
that product knowing that it was not an essential kitchen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
item
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
media has influenced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
purchasing patterns.

To elucidate my stance
further
, I would like to mention another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
aspect
that is
the mindset of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to stay on top in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buying
and spending money. The status symbol and showoff race has encircled
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in such a way that they don’t feel reluctant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buying
expensive and irrelevant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
items
.
For instance
, in my family,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are racing for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
television screens. One
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
Writing for an international audience? Consider adding the metric equivalent.
60 inches
and the other family
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
Writing for an international audience? Consider adding the metric equivalent.
95 inches
in a week’s time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
off that they are richer.

To recapitulate the aforementioned argument, I opine that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have developed inappropriate approach of purchasing unnecessary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
items
in order to
be considered
rich and super cool. Unfortunately, this dilemma has been taking strength every passing
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
day and
we may find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spending their all savings into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buying
unimportant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
items
for no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
reason.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay People buy things which they don't need. Why this is happening? Is it a positive or negative development for the Individual and for society? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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