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People aim to achieve the balance between their work and lives. But few people achieve it. What are the causes of the problems? How to overcome it? v.2

People aim to achieve the balance between their work and lives. But few people achieve it. What are the causes of the problems? How to overcome it? v. 2
Today, numerous people are struggling to keep a balance between work and life. In this essay, I aim to explore this complicated phenomenon from diverse perspectives, and bring some effective measures. To my maid, an arrange of factors contribute to their failure. Firstly, it is employers and companies that are to blame. They always focus on how to maximize corporate profits, but ignore their employees, such as an unreasonable job arrangement often lead them dead beat via work overtime to finish the task. Secondly, the high living pressure force citizens to work the longer time for increasing income. The high inflation rate makes civic life harder and harder, therefore many people need to work harder, for example, they take two jobs at one or earn overtime allowance to support their family living cost. Finally, intense competition leads workers to strive for self-improvement. Thus, many people use their rest or family time for studying and training to keep them competitive in the office. The problems need a cooperation of individuals and society to overcome. To begin with, bosses and enterprises should plan a better arrangement of their employers' work and try to avoid taking up their personal time as much as possible. In addition, governments and organisations could provide more help and benefits for citizens to decrease their life stresses. For instance, the organisation might increase staff welfare, and the authorities should take more measures to control inflation. Lastly, as an individual, a reasonable schedule of work and life would help them to overcome this issue. In conclusion, inhuman work arrangements, high inflation rate and cut-throat competition are the consequences of most people are hard to achieve the work-life balance. Thus, in order to address this problem, both societies and individuals should make an effort.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are struggling to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
a balance between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. In this essay, I aim to explore this complicated phenomenon from diverse perspectives, and bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
effective measures.

To my maid, an
The word 'arrange' is not a noun. Did you mean "arrangement"?
arrange
of factors contribute to their failure.
Firstly
, it is employers and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
that are to blame. They always focus on how to maximize corporate profits,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
their employees, such as an unreasonable job arrangement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
lead them dead beat via
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
overtime to finish the task.
Secondly
, the high living pressure force citizens to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
the longer time for increasing income. The high inflation rate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
civic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
harder and harder,
therefore
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
harder,
for example
, they take two jobs at one or earn overtime allowance to support their family living cost.
Finally
, intense competition leads workers to strive for self-improvement.
Thus
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their rest or family time for studying and training to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them competitive in the office.

The problems need a cooperation of individuals and society to overcome. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, bosses and enterprises should plan a better arrangement of their employers'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and try to avoid taking up their personal time as much as possible.
In addition
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
and
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
could provide more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
and benefits for citizens to decrease their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stresses
.
For instance
, the
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
might increase staff welfare, and the authorities should take more measures to control inflation.
Lastly
, as an individual, a reasonable schedule of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to overcome this issue.

In conclusion
, inhuman
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
arrangements, high inflation rate and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
-throat competition are the consequences of most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to achieve the work-life balance.
Thus
, in order to address this problem, both societies and individuals should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an effort.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay People aim to achieve the balance between their work and lives. But few people achieve it. What are the causes of the problems? How to overcome it? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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