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people aim to achieve the balance between their work and lives. but few people achieve it. what are the causes of the problem and how to overcome it? v.5

people aim to achieve the balance between their work and lives. but few people achieve it. what are the causes of the problem and how to overcome it? v. 5
Nowadays, In this modern era, people are stuck between balancing the work-life activities. They do not give the proper time to family because they have the pressure of their jobs. Many citizens have targets to achieve the balance life among these two criteria, But hardly some of the people achieve it. To begin, The foremost scenario is that the both parents have their personal jobs and do not have free time to spend with their children. For example, Recent research concludes that compare to last decade, The divorce rates are higher day by day for this reason. Secondly, Many jobs working hours are nearly about 8 to 10. Therefore, Parents do not have any leisure time to chat with their kids and enjoy with their families too. Furthermore, They blindly chase after the money and have not any kinds of tension about their own health or their family. In contrast, To solve these problems many countries have their norms such like 40 hours a job for a whole week. So, Parents spent with their family and adolescent too. Moreover, Try to spend at least 6-7 hours with your family. Because, Recently in the university of Harvard, health and care department publish in their article that, Those parents who has their jobs over time and feel pressure and getting depression from their jobs have spent 6-7 hours daily with their family and children. From that, The anxiety level and depression is getting in low majorly. They feel free and enjoy their lives and jobs too. To conclude, I suggest that, People who have their jobs and do not equilibrium their lives with work have to take care of their family first. Because, Money is important, but not greater than their family. That is how some people manage these problems and some are not to give important these both categories.
Nowadays, In this modern era,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are stuck
between balancing the work-life activities. They do not give the proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have the pressure of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
citizens have targets to achieve the balance life among these two criteria,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
hardly
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
achieve it.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
, The foremost scenario is that the both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have their personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
and do not have free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to spend with their children.
For example
, Recent research concludes that compare to last decade, The divorce rates are higher day by day
for this reason
.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
are
nearly
about 8 to 10.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
do not have any leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to chat with their kids and enjoy with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
too.
Furthermore
, They
blindly
chase after the money and have not any kinds of tension about their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
health or their family.

In contrast
, To solve these problems
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries have their norms such like 40
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
for a whole week.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
spent with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and adolescent too.
Moreover
, Try to spend at least 6-7
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
with your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, Recently in the university of Harvard, health and care department publish in their article that, Those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
who
Did you mean "have", "haven"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'parents' should be used.
has
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and feel pressure and getting depression from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
have spent 6-7
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
daily with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and children. From that, The anxiety level and depression is getting in low
majorly
. They feel free and enjoy their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
too.

To conclude
, I suggest that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
who have their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
and do not equilibrium their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
with work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
first
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, Money is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not greater than their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
That is
how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
manage these problems and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
are not to give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
these both categories.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay people aim to achieve the balance between their work and lives. but few people achieve it. what are the causes of the problem and how to overcome it? v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
308 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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