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Part-time job is beneficial for young people. Do you agree or disagree with the statement. Use specific reasons and details to support your answer. v.2

Part-time job is beneficial for young people. Use specific reasons and details to support your answer. v. 2
By and large, young people are novice at working, so it is pivotal for them to learn how to deal with their problems by working. As a matter of fact, they should grasp an opportunity to find a part-time job in order to benefit from it. Various points of view which are germane to the matter being discussed brings us to the moot question as to whether part-time job can be beneficial for young people or not. Some people have a disposition toward the notion that they should merely focus on their studying, yet the popular sentiment to which I vehemently cling is that they should accomplish this task, for its implications on their life are far broader than what we commonly consider. The underlying aim of this essay is to put forward some cogent reasons to shed light on a number of issues in this framework. The first focal point that prompts me to hold this idea is that part-time job can pave the way for acquiring new insights and experiences for them. In essence, it can open door to a lot of opportunities to get prospects to his work. In other words, it can open up a whole gamut of new experiences for young people. It is axiomatic that they can broaden their horizons in order to find a pragmatic approaches and viable solution to surmount their problems. Admittedly, these jobs can intensify their chance to land a profitable vocation in near future. As a case in point, there is a body of economic research that I read recently. The researchers conducted an interview with successful businessmen, the data denoted that a host of them had an experience in their youth. On balance, this finding can at least partly explain why experience is intrinsic for becoming prosperous in a given job. Another equally salient point in corroborating my stance in this subject is that it this way they can earn some money although it may not be adequate. It should be stressed that earning money can make them more independent from their parents’ supervision. Besides, they will learn how to save their money. One of the startling facts which flabbergasted me is that some people erroneously think that young people are not mature enough to work. Up to a point, their notion does not hold water, seeing as it is based on misconception, and they are oblivious to the fact that it can help them being dependent. To spell out the importance of dependence, it should be borne in mind that every success stems from being independence. To take a personal experience as an example, last year, I attended in a colloquium. Within the scope of discussions, a university lecturer bore down the importance of independence and saving money for young students by showing some relevant statistics which revealed that most of students preferred to work as a part-time job due to the aforementioned reason. It can be de deduced from a combination of breadth of coverage and depth of detail that part-time job can be worthwhile for young people. For the sake of brevity, a couple of points are worth reiterating: firstly, they can gain experience from it; secondly, they can make money and be independent from the monetary provision by their parents. However, it was a story in a nutshell; actually, there are more reasonable grounds that can lend weight to my point of view. All in all, it is recommended that societies should convict a congenial situation in order to offer young people to work, because they can efficiently use their spare time, and I am sanguine about this thought which can be laudable.
By and large,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are novice at working,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is pivotal for them to learn how to deal with their problems by working. As a matter of fact, they should grasp an opportunity to find a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in order to benefit from it. Various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
points
of view which are germane to the matter
being discussed
brings us to the moot question
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "as to".
as to whether
part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
can be beneficial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
or not.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a disposition toward the notion that they should
merely
focus on their studying,
yet
the popular sentiment to which I
vehemently
cling is that they should accomplish this task, for its implications on their life are far broader than what we
commonly
consider. The underlying aim of this essay is to put forward
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cogent reasons to shed light on a number of issues in this framework.

The
first
focal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
point
that prompts me to hold this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
is that part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
can pave the way for acquiring new insights and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
for them. In essence, it can open door to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
opportunities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
prospects to his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
In other words
, it can open up a whole gamut of new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. It is axiomatic that they can broaden their horizons in order to find a pragmatic approaches and viable solution to surmount their problems.
Admittedly
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
can intensify their chance to land a profitable vocation in near future. As a case in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
point
, there is a body of economic research that I read recently. The researchers conducted an interview with successful businessmen, the data denoted that a host of them had an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
in their youth. On balance, this finding can at least partly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
is intrinsic for becoming prosperous in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
job.

Another
equally
salient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
point
in corroborating my stance in this subject is that it this way they can earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
although it may not be adequate. It should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
that earning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them more
The usual collocation for "independent" is "of" not "from". Did you mean "independent of"?
independent from
their parents’ supervision.
Besides
, they will learn how to save their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. One of the startling facts which flabbergasted me is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
erroneously
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. Up to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
point
, their notion does not hold water, seeing as it
is based
on misconception, and they are oblivious to the fact that it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them
The verb 'that' is used with an infinitive: "to be" or "be".
being
dependent. To spell out the importance of dependence, it should
be borne
in mind that every success stems from being independence. To take a personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
as an example, last year, I attended in a colloquium. Within the scope of discussions, a university lecturer bore down the importance of independence and saving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
students by showing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
relevant statistics which revealed that
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the students") or simply say "most students".
most of students
preferred to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
as a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
due to the aforementioned reason.

It can be
Possible spelling mistake found.
de
deduced from a combination of breadth of coverage and depth of detail that part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
can be worthwhile for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. For the sake of brevity, a couple of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
points
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "is"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'are' is not always incorrect.)
are
worth reiterating:
firstly
, they can gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
from it;
secondly
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and be
The usual collocation for "independent" is "of" not "from". Did you mean "independent of"?
independent from
the monetary provision by their parents.
However
, it was a story in a nutshell; actually, there are more reasonable grounds that can lend weight to my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
point
of view. All in all, it
is recommended
that societies should convict a congenial situation in order to offer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can
efficiently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their spare time, and I am sanguine about this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
which can be laudable.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
43Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Part-time job is beneficial for young people. Use specific reasons and details to support your answer. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
609 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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