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Parents, usually mothers, stay at home to look after their family. People believe they should receive a salary from the government for that. Do you agree or disagree? v.3

Parents, usually mothers, stay at home to look after their family. People believe they should receive a salary from the government for that. v. 3
There are those who believe that the authorities ought to pay money to stay at home parents who take care of their family members. I totally agree with this opinion because raising kids requires a lot of cash, and mothers have to sacrifice their careers. The main reason why I believe that mothers should be paid by the government is that raising kids is tied into a country’s future but needs an enormous amount of money. For instance, in South Korea, according to a report from one of the prestigious universities, raising a kid from infant to adult demands about 200, 000 dollars on average. This is due to the competitive society where a high level of education is necessary. Mothers and families need more wealth in their budget to make their babies better citizens who have a satisfactory and sound outlook towards life. Consequently, allocating a regular salary to mothers seems reasonable. Another reason for my support of the notion that housewives should be compensated is that they might give up not only a chance to earn more money but their career as well. In particular, a female engineer who had to quit or leave for maternity reasons may not keep up with the data of the most recent trend regarding semi-conductors, so after her comeback, she tries to catch up on the latest trend but might be struggle adapting to it. Therefore, they need financial support, at least for its compensation; otherwise, it is pretty unfair for them. In conclusion, I contend that the government must pay a salary for mothers because raising kids is very crucial for the nation, and they have to give up their careers for a long time. Given this situation, it is recommended for people to have an understanding of the burden of all housewives and help them to adapt to new task skills after their maternity leave.
There are those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
believe that the authorities ought to pay money to stay at home parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
take care of their family members. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
raising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
requires
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
cash, and mothers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
sacrifice their careers.

The main reason why I believe that mothers should
be paid
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
raising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
is tied
into a country’s future
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
needs an enormous amount of money.
For instance
, in South Korea, according to a report from one of the prestigious universities,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
raising
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kid
from infant to adult demands about 200, 000 dollars on average. This is due to the competitive society where a high level of education is necessary. Mothers and families need more wealth in their budget to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their babies better citizens
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have a satisfactory and sound outlook towards life.
Consequently
, allocating a regular salary to mothers seems reasonable.

Another reason for my support of the notion that housewives should
be compensated
is that they might give up not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a chance to earn more money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
their career
as well
.
In particular
, a female engineer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
had to quit or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
for maternity reasons may not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
up with the data of the most recent trend regarding semi-conductors,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
after her comeback, she tries to catch up on the latest trend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
might be
Consider using a past participle here: "struggled".
struggle
If 'struggle' is used as a verb, it usually requires the infinitive: "to adapt".
adapting
to it.
Therefore
, they need financial support, at least for its compensation;
otherwise
, it is pretty unfair for them.

In conclusion
, I contend that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
pay a salary for mothers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
raising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
crucial for the nation, and they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
give up their careers for a long time.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Given
this situation, it
is recommended
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to have an understanding of the burden of all housewives and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to adapt to new task
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
after their maternity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay Parents, usually mothers, stay at home to look after their family. People believe they should receive a salary from the government for that. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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