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parents of obeses children should be punished to fight obesity v.1

parents of obeses children should be punished to fight obesity v. 1
Obesity has evolved to become one of the biggest problems that face our children nowadays. Unfortunately, many people recommend punishing the parents of obese children to fight obesity. Frankly, this essay is written to discuss why we should not argue with punishing those parents & how we can rather solve this problem. From one hand, parents may be unaware of nutrition techniques & all what they need is a way of instructions to help them deal with their kids. From the other hand, the problem may be that kids themselves can`t control themselves, however all control adults do. First, according to those who don`t have enough knowledge about children` health. Moreover, they may use candies & sweets as a rewarding method. These adults shouldn`t be punished. Instead, they should comply with tutorial programs that raise their awareness of the damage they are unconsciously making to their infants and acknowledge them with right dietitian systems they can follow. Second, we should also consider children who can`t stop themselves from eating, however, all trials done by adults to stop them. That is why schools are also partially in charge of this problem. Schools should also direct students` attention to the healthy nutrition habits that they should follow & leave the bad ones. In a nutshell, if we really need to fight obesity, we should cut it from source. Punishing fat children`s parents will not solve it. Instead, we need to help their parents & let them know how to help their kids. Additionally, infants themselves should understand how to protect themselves from bad eating habits.
Obesity has evolved to become one of the biggest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
that face our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
nowadays.

Unfortunately,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
recommend punishing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
of obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to fight obesity.

Frankly
, this essay
is written
to discuss why we should not argue with punishing those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
& how we can
rather
solve this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
. From one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
may be unaware of nutrition techniques & all what they need is a way of instructions to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them deal with their kids. From the other hand, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
may be that kids themselves
You used an accent character instead of an apostrophe. Please use either "can't" or "can’t".
can`t
control themselves,
however
all control adults do.

First
, according to those who
You used an accent character instead of an apostrophe. Please use either "don't" or "don’t".
don`t
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
knowledge about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children`
health.
Moreover
, they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
candies & sweets as a rewarding method. These adults
You used an accent character instead of an apostrophe. Please use either "shouldn't" or "shouldn’t".
shouldn`t
be punished
.
Instead
, they should comply with tutorial programs that raise their awareness of the damage they are
unconsciously
making to their infants and acknowledge them with right dietitian systems they can follow.

Second, we should
also
consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
You used an accent character instead of an apostrophe. Please use either "can't" or "can’t".
can`t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
themselves from eating,
however
, all trials done by adults to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
them.
That is
why schools are
also
partially
in charge of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
. Schools should
also
direct students` attention to the healthy nutrition habits that they should follow &
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
ones.

In a nutshell, if we
really
need to fight obesity, we should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
it from source. Punishing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
The character between 'children' and 's' is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use "children’s" (curly apostrophe) or "children's" (straight apostrophe).
children`s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
will not solve it.
Instead
, we need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
&
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
them know how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their kids.
Additionally
, infants themselves should understand how to protect themselves from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
eating habits.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay parents of obeses children should be punished to fight obesity v. 1

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
263 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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