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Parent, usually mothers, give up work, choose to stay home and look after families. Some people think the government should give them salary, others disagree. Discuss both and give your opinion? v.1

Parent, usually mothers, give up work, choose to stay home and look after families. Some people think the government should give them salary, others disagree. v. 1
More often than not, female partners opt to quit working in order to take care of home and family. While it is supported by some that the governing authorities must pay them a remuneration, others argue to disagree with it. This essay will explain the key reasons behind these views before giving my opinion which supports the disagreement. To begin with, the cogent reason why others believe that disbursing salaries to females - who stay home - is crucial that it would help them remain independent. Since quitting work means no direct wages to mothers which; hence, they eventually become reliant on their husbands. To exemplify, a recent study depicted that almost 70% of females after delivering babies become financially dependent on husbands due to no regular income. Thus, if females are required to be financially self-dependent so that they can take care of their own expenses such as grooming and shopping, then there should be a financial funding from the authorities. On the other hand, another group of people including me vote against it as that would invite more financial burden to the authorities. Whenever there is any new scheme is launched by the government, they require a substantial amount of money to get it materialized; hence it would also cost them a fortune. Thus, the government may try to force more direct or indirect taxes, in lieu to nurture more funds in order to subsidize homemakers. In fact, these increased taxes be dangerous for an average earning citizen. Therefore, since offering financial aids to mother would demand more funds and, it may lead to more taxes to the citizen; the governing entities should skip it. To conclude, generally females after becoming mothers omit to work so that they can handle home and family. This essay discussed why some people believe that financial support from the government is essential to keep them self-dependant, others disagree because it would need more financial assistance from the authorities. In my view, any financial support should be forbidden as it might cause more tax burden to the native people in the long run.
More
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
than not,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
partners opt to quit working in order to take care of home and family. While it
is supported
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that the governing authorities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
pay them a remuneration, others argue to disagree with it. This essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the key reasons behind these views
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
giving my opinion which supports the disagreement.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the cogent reason why others believe that disbursing salaries to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
who stay home
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
is crucial that it would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them remain independent. Since quitting work means no direct wages to mothers which;
hence
, they
eventually
become reliant on their husbands. To exemplify, a recent study depicted that almost 70% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
after delivering babies become
financially
dependent on husbands due to no regular income.
Thus
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
are required
to be
financially
self-dependent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can take care of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
expenses such as grooming and shopping, then there should be a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
funding from the authorities.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, another group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
including me vote against it as that would invite more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
burden to the authorities. Whenever there is any new scheme
is launched
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
, they require a substantial amount of money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
it materialized;
hence
it would
also
cost them a fortune.
Thus
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
may try to force more direct or indirect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
taxes
, in lieu to nurture more funds in order to subsidize homemakers. In fact, these increased
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
taxes
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
for an average earning citizen.
Therefore
, since offering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
aids to mother would demand more funds and, it may lead to more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
taxes
to the citizen; the governing entities should skip it.

To conclude
,
generally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
after becoming mothers omit to work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can handle home and family. This essay discussed why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
support from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
is essential to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them
Possible spelling mistake found.
self-dependant
, others disagree
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it would need more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
assistance from the authorities. In my view, any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
support should
be forbidden
as it might cause more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tax
burden to the native
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the long run.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Parent, usually mothers, give up work, choose to stay home and look after families. Some people think the government should give them salary, others disagree. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
350 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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