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over-fishing has become a very common practice in many countries. what do you think are the effects of ever-fishing? use your own knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence v.1

over-fishing has become a very common practice in many countries. what do you think are the effects of ever-fishing? use your own knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence v. 1
There are so many parameters that play a pivotal role in shaping a more developed country. Among them, age-related factors have turned into a big source of debate. Many sociologists are of the idea that the number of old people will get higher in the future and this could have a detrimental impact on both individuals and society. I believe that even though it might positively affect the whole community in a way, the disadvantages certainly outweigh the advantages. The main reason lies in the fact that with the advancement of technology, the need for running training classes for the aged group rises, chiefly because they ought to get more familiar with the modern world they are surrounded by. Therefore, a considerable amount of time and budget should be devoted to this matter, provided that the senior citizens are eager to learn. On the other hand, as people grow older, their ability to take part in various occupational activities reduces. As a result, the government will have to look for new and fresh labor force to avoid facing further economical issues in the long run. In addition, people will inevitably encounter bigger problems in an aging population, such as falling birth rate, health and nutrition. With all the weak points of a higher proportion of the old, the question arises as to whether these people can make their hometown a more comfortable and civilized place to live or not. Looking at the half full of a glass, one comes to the knowing that a senior living community does not thoroughly ruin its economy. Old people have gained years of experience, so they can deal with adversities more sensibly than the younger, either at workplace or home. After all, they know how to find a way to overcome obstacles. Unfortunately, in a third-world country like Iran, negative attitudes towards aging have caused a sense of frustration and social rejection, which is definitely going to have irreparable consequences in the foreseeable future. To put it in a nutshell, I would like to say that living in an old age community and getting exposed to the negative aspects of aging, can generally have constraining effects on well-being and quality of life. Thus, some necessary actions must be taken on the part of the authorities in order to find efficient strategies to increase the number of the younger generation.
There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parameters that play a pivotal role in shaping a more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed country
. Among them, age-related factors have turned into a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
source of debate.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
sociologists are of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
higher in the future and this could have a detrimental impact on both individuals and society. I believe that
even though
it might
positively
affect the whole community in a way, the disadvantages
certainly
outweigh the advantages.

The main reason lies in the fact that with the advancement of technology, the need for running training classes for the aged group rises,
chiefly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they ought to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more familiar with the modern world they
are surrounded
by.
Therefore
, a considerable amount of time and budget should
be devoted
to this matter, provided that the senior citizens are eager to learn.
On the other hand
, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
grow older, their ability to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in various occupational activities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
.
As a result
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
look for new and fresh labor force to avoid facing
further
Did you mean "economic" (=connected with economy)?
economical
issues in the long run.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
inevitably
encounter bigger problems in an aging population, such as falling birth rate, health and nutrition.

With all the weak points of a higher proportion of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
, the question arises
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "as to".
as to whether
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their hometown a more comfortable and civilized place to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
or not. Looking at the half full of a glass, one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to the knowing that a senior living community does not
thoroughly
ruin its economy.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have gained years of experience,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can deal with adversities more
sensibly
than the younger, either at workplace or home.
After all
, they know how to find a way to overcome obstacles. Unfortunately, in a third-world country like Iran,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
attitudes towards aging have caused a sense of frustration and social rejection, which is definitely going to have irreparable consequences in the foreseeable future.

To put it in a nutshell, I would like to say that living in an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
age community and getting exposed to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects of aging, can
generally
have constraining effects on well-being and quality of life.
Thus
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
necessary actions
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be taken
on the part of the authorities in order to find efficient strategies to increase the number of the younger generation.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay over-fishing has become a very common practice in many countries. what do you think are the effects of ever-fishing? use your own knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
395 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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