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It is better for people to move out of their hometown when they become adults, instead of staying in their home communities for their whole lives. v.1

It is better for people to move out of their hometown when they become adults, instead of staying in their home communities for their whole lives. v. 1
In recent times, children’s hobbies have sparked great debates about whether they should be educational or not. Although several people feel that non-educational activities waste children’s valuable learning time, I do believe that relaxation also plays an important role in child development. On one hand, some people want to encourage children to have educational free time activities so that they learn as much as possible during this time. This is because of the fact that human’s brain develops significant during this period; hence, it is essential to learn before becoming an adult and losing this advantage. For example, a latest study found that regularly we learn at ages between 5 and 15 at least 3 times faster than at ages above 40. However, I do not agree with this statement since the children needed time to relax in order to keep focusing on those activities. On the other hand, relaxation is a key factor in children’s learning. A strong reason for this is that they can learn nothing when they do something for a long time. When they become stressed and bored, their engagements drop and this inhibits their performance. For instance, I loved watching movies after I read a book for a long time when I was a child as I cannot stay focused on the story if I continue doing it. Therefore, it is undeniable that children need to do other things rather than educational activity. In conclusion, even if educational leisure activities are extremely important for children, it is impossible for them to keep doing those activities for a long time without another type of activities that make them feel relaxed.
In recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
hobbies have sparked great debates about whether they should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
or not. Although several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
feel that non-educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
waste
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
valuable learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, I do believe that relaxation
also
plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in child development.

On one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
want to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
as much as possible during this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. This is
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "because".
because of the fact that
human’s brain develops significant during this period;
hence
, it is essential to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
becoming an adult and losing this advantage.
For example
,
Use "the" with the superlative.
a
latest study found that
regularly
we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
at ages between 5 and 15 at least 3
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
faster than at ages above 40.
However
, I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement since the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
needed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to relax in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
focusing on those activities.

On the other hand
, relaxation is a key factor in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
learning. A strong reason for this is that they can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
nothing when they do something for a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. When they become
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
and bored, their engagements drop and this inhibits their performance.
For instance
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
watching movies after I read a book for a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
when I was a child as I cannot stay focused on the story if I continue doing it.
Therefore
, it is undeniable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
need to do other things
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
activity.

In conclusion
, even if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are
extremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, it is impossible for them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
doing those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
for a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
without another type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them feel relaxed.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay It is better for people to move out of their hometown when they become adults, instead of staying in their home communities for their whole lives. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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