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Our personalities are predetermined as a result of our genes before we are born and there is nothing that can be done to alter our character traits. To what extent do you agree? v.7

Our personalities are predetermined as a result of our genes before we are born and there is nothing that can be done to alter our character traits. v. 7
I agreed with the statement above that a person’s personality is predetermined before he is born. They are all unique and special with their own thoughts, ideas and opinions. Specifically, some of the newborn babies may be more introvert when facing strangers; and some may be extrovert and willing to explore new things or person. However, we can still do some actions to alter their character traits through several ways. Firstly, we can alter the character traits of a person when he is young. Specifically, children can be taught to learn since they were born, they are just like a plain white paper that are going to learn how to walk, run, talk or even write. In this situation, adults, especially parents, are acting as the role model to teach their children with patience. If the parents act with impatience or fierce when facing problems, the children may imitate them to be grizzle when they face unwanted situations. Hence, the personalities and role model of parents are important in the ways to build better personalities of their children. Besides, we can affect a person’s character traits through education. Knowledge can really change a person’s attitudes towards life. A high quality book can influence people’s opinion with strong evidences and statistics. It is generally because people nowadays will easily get influenced by others. Take for example, we will get influence easily by the person that we are admired with to make changes or imitate in their actions in order to become the person like him. It will definitely affect a person’s thoughts while changing their personality in other ways. Briefly, human is always learning and changing their personality in different periods or stages. We will be a different kind of person that is totally different with the past due to the changing of the environment and our thoughts. However, it cannot not conclude that changing of person’s personality will be a bad thing or a strange matter.
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
with the statement above that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personality
is predetermined
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
he
is born
. They are all unique and special with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
thoughts,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and opinions.
Specifically
,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
newborn babies may be more introvert when facing strangers; and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
may be extrovert and willing to explore new things or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
.
However
, we can
still
do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
actions to alter their character traits through several ways.

Firstly
, we can alter the character traits of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
when he is young.
Specifically
, children can
be taught
to learn since they
were born
, they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
like a plain white paper that are going to learn how to walk, run, talk or even write. In this situation, adults,
especially
parents, are acting as the role model to teach their children with patience. If the parents act with impatience or fierce when facing problems, the children may imitate them to be
Consider using a past participle here: "grizzled".
grizzle
when they face unwanted situations.
Hence
, the personalities and role model of parents are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in the ways to build better personalities of their children.

Besides
, we can affect a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person’s
character traits through education. Knowledge can
really
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person’s
attitudes towards life. A high quality book can influence
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s opinion with strong evidences and statistics. It is
generally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
nowadays will
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
influenced by others. Take
for example
, we will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
influence
easily
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
that we
are admired
with to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
or imitate in their actions in order to become the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
like him. It will definitely affect a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person’s
thoughts while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changing
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personality
in other ways.

Briefly
, human is always learning and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changing
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personality
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
periods or stages. We will be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
that is
totally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
with the past due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changing
of the environment and our thoughts.
However
, it cannot not conclude that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changing
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personality
will be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
thing or a strange matter.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Our personalities are predetermined as a result of our genes before we are born and there is nothing that can be done to alter our character traits. v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
326 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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