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In some countries, celebrities can now earn more than senior politicians. What might be the reason for this? Is this a positive or negative development? v.1

In some countries, celebrities can now earn more than senior politicians. What might be the reason for this? Is this a positive or negative development? v. 1
These days, entertainers invariably earn higher wages than politicians. In my opinion, this is the result of technological growth in the entertainment industry and it is a positive development because politics should not be a means to amass a fortune. Entertainment is one of the most lucrative industries today largely due to developments in media distribution. Vaudeville actors and musicians in the early 20th century were looked down on and earned little. The birth of cinema in the 1920s and the rise of television in the 1950s allowed entertainers to reach a wider audience. From there the rise has continued not only with the diversification of television but also the invention of CDs, portable music players, the internet, and streaming websites like Netflix and YouTube. All this new media reaches the majority of the world’s population who then pay for the content by subscribing or watching paid advertisements. This is a positive development because politics should not be a profit driven profession. A good example of this would be the early American founding founders, including Alexander Hamilton and George Washington, both of whom sacrificed private wealth for public service. Hamilton was the leading lawyer in New York and when he enthusiastically joined Washington’s cabinet, he took a drastic cut in salary. By the end of his term, he was mired in debt, but had no regrets as he viewed the public political action as far more valuable than private capital. Politicians ought to earn a good salary, but this should never subvert their chief motive in serving their country. In conclusion, entertainers make more money due to the advent of the media age and politicians should not be jealous of their wealth. Unfortunately, many politicians are selfishly compelled by economic gain when they ought to be more self-interested in terms of their role in public life.
These days, entertainers
invariably
earn higher wages than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
. In my opinion, this is the result of technological growth in the entertainment industry and it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
politics should not be a means to amass a fortune.

Entertainment is one of the most lucrative industries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
largely
due to developments in media distribution. Vaudeville actors and musicians in the early 20th century
were looked
down on and earned
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
. The birth of cinema in the 1920s and the rise of television in the 1950s
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
entertainers to reach a wider audience. From there the rise has continued not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
with the diversification of television
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the invention of CDs, portable music players, the internet, and streaming websites like Netflix and YouTube. All this new media reaches the majority of the world’s population who then pay for the content by subscribing or watching paid advertisements.

This is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
politics should not be a profit driven profession. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example of this would be the early American founding founders, including Alexander Hamilton and George Washington, both of whom sacrificed private wealth for public service. Hamilton was the leading lawyer in New York and when he
enthusiastically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
Washington’s cabinet, he took a drastic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
in salary. By the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of his term, he
was mired
in debt,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
had no regrets as he viewed the public political action as far more valuable than private capital.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Politicians
ought to earn a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
salary,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this should never subvert their chief motive in serving their country.

In conclusion
, entertainers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more money due to the advent of the media age and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
should not be jealous of their wealth. Unfortunately,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
are
selfishly
compelled by economic gain when they ought to be more self-interested in terms of their role in public life.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay In some countries, celebrities can now earn more than senior politicians. What might be the reason for this? Is this a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
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