Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

Organized tours to remote places and communities are increasingly popular. Is it a positive or negative development for the local people and environment? v.1

Organized tours to remote places and communities are increasingly popular. Is it a positive or negative development for the local people and environment? v. 1
Many ones believe that children should be motivated to compete with others, while other people argue that team-working and cooperation are more important, and if an individual is instructed to work with others, that person will be a useful adult in the future. Both ideas will be analysed in this essay; however, in my perspective group-working is far vital. On the one hand, the spirit of competition has caused the development due to the perfection that occurred among the competitive person. These people like to be the best one as a result of that in every champions or competition, they want to indicate their best, and they always think about the first place. To illustrate, Cristiano Ronaldo is a competitive character that is why he strives hard to be the best player in every game and never gets tired so that he improves his skills throughout the time. Thus, many people claim that the sense of competition is an effective sense for children`s promotion. On the other hand, the power of a group is far more than a person in order to various abilities that combine that is because cooperation plays a crucial role not only in this contemporary world but also during the all-time. Moreover, team-work has a better conclusion; for instance, if one could not culminate their work because of diverse issues such as flu, family problem, or lack of responsibility, their colleague will retrieve. Also, group-work increases the sense of sympathy among the people, and make the children be a useful member of civilization. To conclude, despite all the positive aspects of being a competitive person such as self-development and hard-working, cooperation`s benefits are outweighed. In my opinion, one who likes competition can be a helpful person for themselves; however, team working makes people aid society to improve so that cooperation is more beneficial.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
ones believe that children should
be motivated
to compete with others, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that team-working and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cooperation
are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
, and if an individual
is instructed
to work with others, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
will be a useful adult in the future. Both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
will be
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysed' is British English.
analysed
in this essay;
however
, in my perspective group-working is far vital.

On the one hand, the spirit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
has caused the development due to the perfection that occurred among the competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like to be the best one
as a result
of that in every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "champion"?
champions
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
, they want to indicate their best, and they always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about the
first
place. To illustrate, Cristiano Ronaldo is a competitive character
that is
why he strives
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to be the best player in every game and never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
tired
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
throughout the time.
Thus
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
claim that the sense of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
is an effective sense for
The character between 'children' and 's' is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use "children’s" (curly apostrophe) or "children's" (straight apostrophe).
children`s
promotion.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, the power of a group is far more than a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
in order to various abilities that combine
that is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cooperation
plays a crucial role not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
in this contemporary world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
during the all-time.
Moreover
, team-work has a better conclusion;
for instance
, if one could not culminate their work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of diverse issues such as flu, family problem, or lack of responsibility, their colleague will retrieve.
Also
, group-work increases the sense of sympathy among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the children be a useful member of civilization.

To conclude
, despite all the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects of being a competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
such as self-development and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
-working,
The character between 'cooperation' and 's' is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use "cooperation’s" (curly apostrophe) or "cooperation's" (straight apostrophe).
cooperation`s
benefits
are outweighed
. In my opinion, one who likes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
can be a helpful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
for themselves;
however
, team working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
aid society to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cooperation
is more beneficial.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Organized tours to remote places and communities are increasingly popular. Is it a positive or negative development for the local people and environment? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts