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The chart below shows the percentage of population in three different age group in Japan. Summarize the information by selecting and reviewing the main features, and make comparison where relevant. v.1

The chart below shows the percentage of population in three different age group in Japan.
Undeniably, inactive lifestyle of citizens has been one of the most concerning factors in almost every nation nowadays. This essay will highlight some of the prominent reasons for such lifestyle in most of the countries and propose suitable measures to mitigate its effects. To begin with, one of the significant reasons for people being physically inactive is overuse of technology. This is because machinery makes your work easy and convenient and often people are habituated to using it even to carry out simple jobs. To cite an example, even if the supermarket is in a walk-able distance, people tend to use vehicle rather than walking to the destination. To tackle this, overdependence on technology should be avoided. This means that less complicated household chores should be carried out without using technology. For instance, sweeping and cleaning the house should be done manually rather than using high profile equipment, which involves less physical movements. Another equally important cause is that people are unaware about the potential health dangers sedentary lifestyle comes with. This means that even if there is an opportunity to involve in a physical activity, people often let go of it; thereby, leaving themselves vulnerable to certain ailments in the future. To combat this issue, media, predominantly print media, should be used to create awareness about the early signs and possible diseases that lack of physical activity might lead to. This would teach people the importance of being physically active and deter them from neglecting exercise. In conclusion, undue usage of machinery and lack of knowledge about the consequences are some of the leading factors of less physical exercise in people, which can be addressed by performing household chores manually and by utilizing media to spread awareness. I believe, primarily it is an individual's responsibility to care for his well-being; however, the government should also take up the task by mandating an article in the newspaper about the aforementioned repercussions.
Undeniably
, inactive lifestyle of citizens has been one of the most concerning factors in almost every nation nowadays. This essay will highlight
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
prominent reasons for such lifestyle in most of the countries and propose suitable measures to mitigate its effects.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, one of the significant reasons for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
being
physically
inactive is overuse of technology. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
machinery
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
your work easy and convenient and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are habituated
to using it even to carry out simple jobs. To cite an example, even if the supermarket is in a walk-able distance,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
vehicle
rather
than walking to the destination. To tackle this,
Possible spelling mistake found.
overdependence
on technology should
be avoided
. This means that less complicated household chores should
be carried
out without using technology.
For instance
, sweeping and cleaning the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
should
be done
manually
rather
than using high profile equipment, which involves less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
movements.

Another
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
cause is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are unaware about the potential health
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
sedentary lifestyle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with. This means that even if there is an opportunity to involve in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activity,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
go of it; thereby, leaving themselves vulnerable to certain ailments in the future. To combat this issue, media,
predominantly
print media, should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to create awareness about the early signs and possible diseases that lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activity might lead to. This would teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
the importance of being
physically
active and deter them from neglecting exercise.

In conclusion
, undue usage of machinery and lack of knowledge about the consequences are
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
leading factors of less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
exercise in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, which can
be addressed
by performing household chores
manually
and by utilizing media to spread awareness. I believe,
primarily
it is an individual's responsibility to care for his well-being;
however
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
also
take up the task by mandating an article in the newspaper about the aforementioned repercussions.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The chart below shows the percentage of population in three different age group in Japan.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
321 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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