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Organize tour to remote areas and community is increasingly popular. It is a positive or negative development for the local and the environment? v.1

Organize tour to remote areas and community is increasingly popular. It is a positive or negative development for the local and the environment? v. 1
Nowadays, the population of young adults in some nations has become comparatively prominent to that of older people. Despite the disadvantages to this scenario, I believe that the advantages of this situation certainly outweigh the disadvantages. It is true that having a large population of older people in the workforce has its benefits. They are more seasoned and experienced, able to carry out tasks without being instructed to do so, ensuring the company’s stability. However, having a large number of older workers has its drawbacks. Older workers lack enthusiasm and the energy. They are also slow and less receptive of change, needing more time to adapt to adjustments. An example of a nation would be Japan, whose working manpower currently consists of many older people. This has landed them in an economic recession for a while now. Moreover, the government would then need to assume even more responsibilities, having to focus on healthcare and a dwindling workforce. On the contrary, younger people have more ambition to work. They are full of energy and enthusiasm, with an aim to work hard to achieve a stable career. Young people are often exposed to technology at an early age. With their fresh ideas, they could capitalise on today’s cutting-edge technology to invent and design projects that would help make peoples’ lives better. Furthermore, having a workforce filled with numerous youths would contribute significantly to a nation’s growing economy. Then again, young people lack patience and do not have experience working under-pressure. Therefore, they will need time to integrate themselves into the job before they can perform. In conclusion, although there are drawbacks to this phenomenon, I believe it is a positive development in the long run. It is crucial that older staff mentor and guide the younger ones, also that the latter be patient with the older staff. By exploiting the benefits of both groups, the country would be successful in the future.
Nowadays, the population of young adults in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nations has become
comparatively
prominent to that of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Despite the disadvantages to this scenario, I believe that the advantages of this situation
certainly
outweigh the disadvantages.

It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a large population of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the workforce has its benefits. They are more seasoned and experienced, able to carry out tasks without
being instructed
to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, ensuring the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
’s stability.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
workers has its drawbacks.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Older
workers lack enthusiasm and the energy. They are
also
slow and less receptive of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
, needing more time to adapt to adjustments. An example of a nation would be Japan, whose working manpower
currently
consists of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. This has landed them in an economic recession for a while
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.
Moreover
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
would then need to assume even more responsibilities,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
to focus on healthcare and a dwindling workforce.

On the contrary
, younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have more ambition to work. They are full of energy and enthusiasm, with an aim to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to achieve a stable career.

Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
exposed to technology at an early age. With their fresh
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
, they could
Possible spelling mistake. 'capitalise' is British English.
capitalise
on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s cutting-edge technology to invent and design projects that would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples’
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
better.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a workforce filled with numerous youths would contribute
significantly
to a nation’s growing economy. Then again, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
lack patience and do not have experience working under-pressure.
Therefore
, they will need time to integrate themselves into the job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they can perform.

In conclusion
, although there are drawbacks to this phenomenon, I believe it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development in the long run. It is crucial that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
staff mentor and guide the younger ones,
also
that the latter be patient with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
staff. By exploiting the benefits of both groups, the country would be successful in the future.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Organize tour to remote areas and community is increasingly popular. It is a positive or negative development for the local and the environment? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
320 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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