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An increasing number of people are buying what they need on line. What are the advantages and disadvantages for both individuals and companies. v.1

An increasing number of people are buying what they need on line. What are the advantages and disadvantages for both individuals and companies. v. 1
There are various economic problems that need attention. Although, some individuals think that the increase in a number of vehicles is a major concern. However, I believe that, there are bigger issues such rise in the industrial pollution, which needs more attention. To start with, the increase in a number of vehicles leads to higher pollution levels in the city. The main reason for this, is because people nowadays prefer to use their own vehicles which, is more comfortable and convenient. This has lead to contaminating the air, which has adverse impacts on the health of the individuals. For example, in a recent research, there has been an increase in patients being affected by air. The rise in the pollution levels is a major concern as it leads to adverse health concerns and individual should work towards reducing the usage of private vehicles, and shift towards using public transportation more often. In addition, one of the major growing concern is the development of industrialisation which, has lead to an increase of the toxins in the air. With a substantial growth in the industrial sector, there are rising emissions of poisonous gases which contaminate the environment. The government's intervention is needed to set rules and regulations, in order to reduce the emission of these poisonous gases, which are extremely detrimental to the environment and mankind. For example, the government can take measures to create awareness of using bio-degradable, which can replace the toxic gases. The reduction in the emission of poisonous gases plays a vital towards global warming, and it needs a high amount of intervention from the government to minimize this effect. To conclude, an increase in the vehicles in the city leads to increasing the pollution which is affecting the health of individuals.
There are various economic problems that need attention.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in a number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vehicles
is a major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concern
.
However
, I believe that, there are bigger issues such rise in the industrial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollution
, which needs more attention.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in a number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vehicles
leads to higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollution
levels in the city. The main reason for this, is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
nowadays prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vehicles
which, is more comfortable and convenient. This has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to contaminating the air, which has adverse impacts on the health of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
.
For example
, in a recent research, there has been an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in patients being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by air. The rise in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollution
levels is a major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concern
as it leads to adverse health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concerns
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
should work towards reducing the usage of private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vehicles
, and shift towards using public transportation more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
.

In addition
, one of the major growing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concern
is the development of
Possible spelling mistake. 'industrialisation' is British English.
industrialisation
which, has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
of the toxins in the air. With a substantial growth in the industrial sector, there are rising emissions of poisonous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gases
which contaminate the environment. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
's intervention
is needed
to set
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and regulations, in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the emission of these poisonous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gases
, which are
extremely
detrimental to the environment and mankind.
For example
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can take measures to create awareness of using bio-degradable, which can replace the toxic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gases
. The reduction in the emission of poisonous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gases
plays a vital towards global warming, and it needs a high amount of intervention from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to minimize this effect.

To conclude
, an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vehicles
in the city leads to increasing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollution
which is affecting the health of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
The limits of my language are the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay An increasing number of people are buying what they need on line. What are the advantages and disadvantages for both individuals and companies. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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