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Opinions divide concerning what plays a more important role in people's personality development, nature or nurture. What is your opinion? v.2

Opinions divide concerning what plays a more important role in people's personality development, nature or nurture. What is your opinion? v. 2
People hold different opinions on the role of learned and inborn traits for personality development. In my view, both hereditary factors and learning environment are of equal importance for human formation. On the one hand, it is common knowledge that personal characteristics come from innate traits. This could be explained by the fact that genetic heredity has a lifelong effect on the development of the personality. For example, twin studies show that twins have the most similar genes and if they are brought up by different families, they will still develop extremely similar temperaments and even show the same likes and dislikes. Also, researches on genetics account for nature as a critical influence on a person’s thoughts, feelings and behavior. To illustrate this, adoption studies have been carried out and found the strong influence of genes on children’s development, which makes adopted children have little similarity to their siblings and greater similarity to their biological parents. Despite the strong proof that nature is responsible for one’s behaviour, it is not to deny the function of the environment people are raised in. Firstly, patterns of behaviour copied from parents often influence the way that children grow up. For instance, in a stable family background, if parents bring up their offspring in a very strict household, children will have a tendency to be more disciplined and independent. By contrast, numerous researches have revealed that children who come from a dysfunctional family often exhibit behavioral problems at school. For this reason, parental involvement plays a vital role in shaping children’s personality during their formative years. Secondly, in educational environment, teachers make a significant contribution to children’s personality based on their life and work experiences. Not only can this provide supportive guidance for children, but also broaden their knowledge, so that they may be able to flexibly alter their personalities over time. In conclusion, I believe that both innate biological forces and factors of the parental and educational environment have equal impacts on personality development.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
hold
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
opinions on the role of learned and inborn traits for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
. In my view, both hereditary factors and learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
are of equal importance for human formation.

On the one hand, it is common knowledge that personal characteristics
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from innate traits. This could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
by the fact that genetic heredity has a lifelong effect on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personality
.
For example
, twin studies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that twins have the most similar genes and if they
are brought
up by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
families, they will
still
develop
extremely
similar temperaments and even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
the same likes and dislikes.
Also
, researches on genetics account for nature as a critical influence on a person’s thoughts, feelings and behavior. To illustrate this, adoption studies have
been carried
out and found the strong influence of genes on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
adopted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
similarity to their siblings and greater similarity to their biological parents.

Despite the strong proof that nature is responsible for one’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
, it is not to deny the function of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are raised
in.
Firstly
, patterns of
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
copied from parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
influence the way that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
grow up.
For instance
, in a stable family background, if parents bring up their offspring in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
strict household,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will have a tendency to be more disciplined and independent. By contrast, numerous researches have revealed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from a dysfunctional family
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
exhibit behavioral problems at school.
For this reason
, parental involvement plays a vital role in shaping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personality
during their formative years.
Secondly
, in educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
, teachers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a significant contribution to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personality
based on their life and work experiences. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
can this provide supportive guidance for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
broaden their knowledge,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they may be able to
flexibly
alter their personalities over time.

In conclusion
, I believe that both innate biological forces and factors of the parental and educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
have equal impacts on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Opinions divide concerning what plays a more important role in people's personality development, nature or nurture. What is your opinion? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
331 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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