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Some people say that mobile phone plays a major role in their professional life. Others say it plays more important role in their personal life. Discuss both sides. What is your opinion? v.1

Some people say that mobile phone plays a major role in their professional life. Others say it plays more important role in their personal life. What is your opinion? v. 1
According to me, different people adapt in different climates, like some people love to live in hot climates whereas others prefers cold climates. However, to draw the conclusion, we have to look at both views because it will give us the clarity to decide which is the preferable climate to live. Firstly, many individuals love the summer, which is known for its hot climate. For example, students studying in schools and colleges get their summer vacation and they enjoy more during their summer holidays. Furthermore, many people like to consume ice-creams and mangoes to they wait eagerly for summer seasons. Moreover, people like to go in the swimming pool during the summer season. In addition to that, many countries like India, Africa, Saudi Arabia, central America, and Australia have hot climate and people living in these nations are adapted to these hot climates. Secondly, nations like Iceland, Ireland, Russia, etc. Consists of cold climate. So, the people living in these countries are use to the cold climate. But, due to the cold weather people faces many problems such as they cannot go out during extreme cold condition and water in the surroundings get a freeze. Sometimes, the temperature reaches almost to zero degree centigrades. In fact, the Government of Iceland pays for the people to whom stay in the area, because due to this weather person does not like to live there. In conclusion, I think that hot climate is suitable for more people compared to cold climate, however, it depends on the individuals.
This phrase can sound awkward in English. Consider using "in my opinion" or "I think".
According to me
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
adapt in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
climates
, like
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in hot
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
climates
whereas others prefers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cold
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
climates
.
However
, to draw the conclusion, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
look at both views
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will give us the clarity to decide which is the preferable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
climate
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
summer
, which
is known
for its hot
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
climate
.
For example
, students studying in schools and colleges
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
summer
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
vacation and
they enjoy more during their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
summer
holidays.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like to consume ice-creams and mangoes to they wait
eagerly
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
summer
seasons.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like to go in the swimming pool during the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
summer
season.
In addition
to that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries like India, Africa, Saudi Arabia,
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
central America
, and Australia have hot
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
climate
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
living in these nations
are adapted
to these hot climates.

Secondly
, nations like Iceland, Ireland, Russia, etc. Consists of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cold
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
climate
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
living in these countries are
Did you mean "used"?
use
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cold
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
climate
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cold
weather
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
faces
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems such as they cannot go out during extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cold
condition and water in the surroundings
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a freeze.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
, the temperature reaches almost to zero degree
Possible spelling mistake found.
centigrades
. In fact, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
of Iceland pays for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to whom stay in the area,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
due to this weather person does not like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
there.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that hot
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
climate
is suitable for more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cold
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
climate
,
however
, it depends on the individuals.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Some people say that mobile phone plays a major role in their professional life. Others say it plays more important role in their personal life. What is your opinion? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
254 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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