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Nowadays it is common for people to get married and have children in their thirties rather than when they are younger. Do you agree or disagree that this trend will benefit society? v.9

Nowadays it is common for people to get married and have children in their thirties rather than when they are younger. that this trend will benefit society? v. 9
The issue of marriage age has grown in importance over the past decades. I personally agree with the idea that the trend of getting married at the age of thirty and then having children is beneficial for societies in the future, and I will express my opinion throughout this essay. First of all, it can be quite beneficial for societies if their young citizens have more time to spend on studying and working. Due to the fact that people can benefit from the ages before the thirty to pursue their academic qualification so as to improve their career prospects. If they do so they are more likely to have a well-paid job and a superior source of income for their families in the future. Having satisfying careers and better revenues leads to welfare for families that encompass children, and because of that, parents are able to provide their children with a better education. As a result of higher education, children are more likely to not only become successful citizens but also can improve societies. Secondly, because people at the age of thirty tend to think more intellectually for their future, they mostly become successful in their marriages. From a social perspective, people who have got married at the age of thirty their marriages are lasting more than those who have got married at younger ages and have children. Owing to the fact that when couples who have children get divorced, their children would be deprived of the full educational supervision of their parents. Thus, they might find it difficult to pursue their education so they will remain illiterate or pass grades with low marks. Therefore, people should get married at the age of thirty in order to avoid this problem because people with higher academic qualifications can be more beneficial for societies. Due to the mentioned reasons above, I would argue that people should get married at the age of thirty and then have children because it will bring benefits to societies in the long run.
The issue of marriage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
has grown in importance over the past decades. I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that the trend of getting married at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of thirty and then having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is beneficial for societies in the future, and I will express my opinion throughout this essay.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it can be quite beneficial for societies if their young citizens have more time to spend on studying and working. Due to the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can benefit from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the thirty to pursue their academic qualification
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their career prospects. If they do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they are more likely to have a well-paid job and a superior source of income for their families in the future. Having satisfying careers and better revenues leads to welfare for families that encompass
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of that, parents are able to provide their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with a better education.
As a result
of higher education,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are more likely to not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
become successful citizens
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
societies.

Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of thirty tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
more
intellectually
for their future, they
mostly
become successful in their marriages. From a social perspective,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
married at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of thirty their marriages are lasting more than those who have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
married at younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
and have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Owing to the fact that when couples who have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
divorced, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would
be deprived
of the full educational supervision of their parents.
Thus
, they might find it difficult to pursue their education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they will remain illiterate or pass grades with low marks.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
married at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of thirty in order to avoid this problem
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with higher academic qualifications can be more beneficial for societies.

Due to the mentioned reasons above, I would argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
married at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of thirty and then have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will bring benefits to societies in the long run.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays it is common for people to get married and have children in their thirties rather than when they are younger. that this trend will benefit society? v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
336 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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