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One of the consquences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantacges of this outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

One of the consquences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantacges of this outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
In this technological world medical care is improving very quickly because the soul expectancy is increasing. In some last years medical responsibility was improved and people living a longer life. A decade ago, there was not enough machinery and medical care was available so people can't live longer and their activity expectancy was decreased. Because of lack of modern hospitals people can't get required treatments and they lost their activity. In the past a lack of technology affected much to people. For example, before the era of mobility, in any emergency, we can't able to call the ambulance or a doctor and we cannot get necessary treatment on time. An aged person was not believed in medical treatment and they took an Ayurvedic medicine, but sometimes that affect their body negatively. But now technology has changed everything. Everything is now possible with the help of machinery and people can do whatever they want. If we can suffer from any type of illness, the treatment of each and every illness is possible with the help of modern automation. Nowadays, modern machines and modern hospitals are available everywhere. Because of improved medical responsibility people live a long life and they can achieve everything that they are desired. After retirement from their job or own business they can be helpful to aware younger generation to our traditional culture. They may become a well-guide to a society. So, I think of people live longer then they will very helpful to our society. They can serve their nation in whatever field they want.
In this technological world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
care is improving
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
quickly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the soul expectancy is increasing. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
last years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
responsibility was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
living a longer life.

A decade ago, there was not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
machinery and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
care was available
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
longer and their activity expectancy
was decreased
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
hospitals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
required
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
treatments and
they lost their activity. In the past a lack of technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
much to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the era of mobility, in any emergency, we can't able to call the ambulance or a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
doctor and
we cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
necessary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatment
on time. An aged person was not believed in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
treatment and
they took an Ayurvedic medicine,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
that affect their body
negatively
.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
technology has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
everything. Everything is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
possible with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of machinery and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can do whatever they want. If we can suffer from any type of illness, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatment
of each and every illness is possible with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
automation. Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
machines and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
hospitals are available everywhere.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
responsibility
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a long
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
they can achieve everything that they
are desired
. After retirement from their job or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business they can be helpful to aware younger generation to our traditional culture. They may become a well-guide to a society.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
longer then they will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
helpful to our society. They can serve their nation in whatever field they want.
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay One of the consquences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantacges of this outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
258 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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